NEED HELP! Which subtitle do you like best? (You can suggest something else too)
1. Navigating life as a young widow and single mother after losing my husband to suicide.
2. A journal of my life after losing my husband to suicide. Follow me as I navigate my new life as a young widow and single mother.
3. A journal of my life after losing the love of my life to suicide. This is my journey after suddenly becoming a young widow and single mother.
4. Learning to live again as a young widow and single mom after losing my husband to suicide.
NEED HELP! Which subtitle do you like best? (You can suggest something else too)
It’s true. I’m turning this all into a book. I could say that I finally kicked myself in the butt and followed through with it. That’s not true. When Alexa started Kindergarten, it was assumed I would have a little more free time. My dad commented that I should take that time, and finish my book. I didn’t. Every day still seemed to be so crazy! I have a business. I have a job. I’m getting certified in life coaching. I have clients. I have a house to care for. I have school events. The list goes on… Somehow it didn’t seem like I had more time!
Just a few weeks ago, I was invited to a networking event. My friend (and coach) walked me right up to someone and introduced us. “I had hoped you would meet! She can help you publish your book!” My book? I was thrown into the exact place I needed to be. Now is the time…
I opened the saved document titled “book” (so original right?) and was amazed to find I hadn’t worked on it since 2014! In the last few weeks, I have spent every “free” moment reading, writing, and piecing everything together. It’s done! Sort of… The words are written. Now comes everything else! The wheels are turning, and the final book is coming. I can’t wait to hold it in my hands!
It has been 2 years (and three days) since the last post. It’s not to say that I didn’t have anything left to say, or wanted to stop writing. That’s just the way it turned out. There is so much to say. I have FINALLY put it all together and worked hard on my book! It’s time to make the dream a reality. I could certainly use some help. Click the book cover to check out my Indegogo page and pre-order!
Let me start out by saying that life is good and I am happy. I’ve been working so hard lately and so proud of my achievements. I have a beautiful new home, an amazing man and family by my side and some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I’m so extraordinarily thankful for everything I have.
With that being said, December is hard. Being so happy in my new life, does not erase the pain, the trauma, and the memories of my old life. It’s a dent that can never truly be fixed. Each day that comes closer to “the day” seems to get just a little bit harder. The anxiety is harder to ignore and i “just keep swimming” toward it. I don’t want to rush through the holidays, but then again, I really want to rush through the holidays. I am torn between loving the Christmas decorations and feeling as though they mock me, driving by, reminding me of that night. Everything is just a tiny bit harder this month. All in all.. I WILL make Christmas a good experience this year, even if just for the kids in my life. It’s not about me.. It’s about them.
I posted something on Facebook recently regarding my feelings on guns. It was in regards to a child being shot by a “paranoid” man, legally carrying a gun. I know that no one can truly understand the thoughts in my head, but I thought this summed it up well: Nothing is black and white…there are so many grey areas. I lost someone I love because someone mentally unstable legally owned guns. Now this family did too. Let me be clear, I do not blame the gun and do not believe everyone needs to be disarmed… However guns are not toys and often fall into the wrong hands. They have serious repercussions and maybe we need to stop the gun “argument” and try to see both sides.
To elaborate: I fully understand that owning/carrying a gun is 100% a personal choice and a legal right. I do not think we should lose that right. I understand that the experiences people have in their lives mold their opinion on things. My personal opinion is as follows: The sole purpose of a gun is to inflict harm. You can argue that it is for protection, but it protects you by inflicting harm. I spent months hearing the “guns are safe” speech from Alex, and in the end, that gun (and his unknown mental instability) took him away from me. Therefore, I do not welcome them in my home. Really, I felt this way before his death. (Due to another negative experience as a child. But that’s a story for another time.) It only reinforced those feelings. It takes a split second for something to go wrong and I was never willing to take that risk especially with children in the house.
I have PTSD. I am not crazy. I am not irrational. I can take whatever comes at me and deal with it how I must. I do not expect people to change their views for me. However, I do expect mutual respect.
I took Alexa to Alex’s grave yesterday to decorate for Christmas. I know that so many see this as completely heartbreaking and awful, but it is different for us. This is normal. This is my life. This is all that she knows. She has no memory of him, therefore cannot be hurt by it. I feel that it is appropriate to teach her of his existence, and the respect that we show at his grave. I teach her the basics, and what I feel a 3 year old can understand. She asks some questions, and then goes back to her day.
It is almost 1 year since I have smoked a cigarette. Some of these “December days” really make me want to give up.. But I’m strong enough.. I may eat some extra chocolate… But I’ll be okay.
Everything comes down to, I’ll get through anything. I always do.
After almost 5 years in my house, it was time to move on…
Even now, staring at the screen, there are so many thoughts and emotions to go with this change that I don’t even know where to begin.
First, it’s exciting. I’m starting a new life with someone in a new home. Buying a house was truly a pain in the ass, but worth it. The house is beautiful and amazing and we so excited to be a “new family.”
But here are some thoughts about the old house… This was the last place Alex lived and the place he died. This is Alexa’s first home and first room. There are so many happy and awful memories here… It’s bittersweet to leave it all behind. (Even if only moving up the street lol.)
For my long term readers, you know what happened… You remember the shocking days after… Trying to put all the pieces together and finding out just how many guns he had. I never knew about them, yet found them hidden all over my house. I thought for years this was long behind me, but it happened again. One of the final things to move out of the house was “his” desk… And guess what? There was a gun hidden under the drawer. How did I never know that? I had a rush of anger and embarrassment in front of those helping me move. How many times had I used that desk? All I can say is WTF? Really??? This shit is still happening?! I… Just…. Can’t! I really thought that there was nothing I could be angry about at this point… But clearly I can.
Again, my long-term readers know my story and know that I don’t hide from it… The good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent… I put it all out there. Almost three years has passed and, until today, Alex’s “mess” remained. Part of me is ashamed that I didn’t take care of it previously, but it is what it is. In the beginning, I couldn’t bring myself to do it… A rug covered it and there it stayed, basically “forgotten about.” It’s gone now, and I sit here not really knowing how I feel about it… When it comes to suicide, loved ones are left to figuratively and literally clean up your mess… Think about that… Really let that sink in. I would like to think that cleaning up his “literal” mess is the end of cleaning up any other messes related to this dent in my life.
For so long I kept saying that my life was not what I wanted and not what I chose… I chose the life I have now.. I can finally say that… And it’s exactly what I want.
It’s amazing how life works. I don’t know any other way to describe it….Things have been great. Life was going so well. I was very much enjoying life on our own. I love being a mom and love my busy crazy life with all of my crazy endeavors. But life has a way of throwing curveballs and I suddenly went from single mom, to building a new wonderful life with someone. I am truly getting my second chance at a family and I can’t put into words how this feels. Alex swept me off my feet and we instantly knew that this was it… Ya know what? It can happen twice. I used to scream at (what I imagined to be) Alex that after what he did to me, he owed me and needed to fix my life. The months I spent single this time really made me a happier, stronger person, completely comfortable with myself. I needed that, and now I believe that, when I was ready, he sent me the life I was eventually looking for. (Even if I didn’t believe I quite wanted it yet.) In the meantime, I’ve done so much!
I walked 18 miles overnight, through Boston, in freaking monsoon, in Alex’s memory and raised $2,200 for Suicide Prevention. No matter what, this is a huge part of me, and I will never stop.
I became a director with Jewelry in Candles and went to their first ever conference. It was a quick crazy weekend trip and it was just so amazing! The energy there was indescribable! I worked hard and am proud to a part of it.
Everything happens for a reason… The good, the bad, the indifferent… And in the darkest moments of life, keep going! It WILL get better. Live every moment to the fullest! I know I am…
Even two years later, things come up that never cease to amaze me. Alex was obviously the computer guy in the house. That was his job, that’s what he knew. I know enough to get by but never really had to learn major stuff. If anything went wrong with my computer I would call for him to look at it (after restarting it first lol.) I do not know how to do a lot of admin things and do not know passwords to many things. When it comes to “our” Mac, I know how to use photoshop and that’s about it. We each had our own login, but I hardly ever use mine. Photoshop is on his login and it has stayed that way. Thankfully that is one password that I did know.
Today, I needed Photoshop and I needed a photo from my email. I logged into his account and opened my email. Somehow I never noticed the toolbars across the top where he had bookmarked pages. When it comes to “curiosity killed the cat,” I’m always the cat. I just can’t help it.
I clicked on “my sites.” I shouldn’t be surprised and at this point nothing should anger me anymore but it did! Really? This is all he cared about…
I can make excuses over and over for all the reasons why I have not written anything lately. It has never been a secret that I write mainly when I am hurting or upset and really need to get things off my chest. I’ve been doing very well lately. I am happy.. all on my own. (With Alexa of course.)
I have been insanely busy with all my many endeavors and raising my daughter and enjoying life. The nice weather is here and it always makes me feel better. I love being busy… I live for it. I take on more and more all the time and though it becomes stressful at times, I wouldn’t change it at all.
I wrote a lot in the beginning of this crazy journey. I was in a dark place and my blog was my therapy, my slight glimpse of hope and happiness for the future…. My sanity hung on by a thread, and the blog strengthened that thread. I think it is a good thing that I don’t need it as much anymore.
I have recently turned 31. Scary right? It is… I really had a great birthday but will admit depression followed for a few days. I don’t know why a stupid number had me so down, and I started to write about it, but realized I needed to suck it up and deal! I’m not going to get younger, no one does.. get over it. I can look at my life and say that I am not where I “planned” to be at my age, but ya know, so many of us aren’t. Just because life is not what I pictured, does not mean it is not a beautiful picture anyway. Besides all the leftover trauma and being alone (blah blah blah) life is pretty awesome.
So…. the real topic for tonight. My favorite show killed off one of my favorite characters making my other favorite character join the widow club. I, of course, cried… Like many Grey’s lovers probably did as well. But the one thing that really stood out to me was the realism. I find that in every show when a woman finds out her husband has died (this seems to happen a lot on tv) they fall into hysteria instantly. There is instant screaming and crying and over the top reactions. That makes sense when you imagine what it must be like… But as a woman who has experienced this, it’s not. I was calm, shocked, matter of fact and numb. Tears were impossible to produce, even if I tried…. It struck me tonight when Meredith acted exactly the same way. Now, I know she is not real… so someone did their homework when writing this episode. Seeing her this way hurt.. And I felt that she was real. I felt myself thinking about what the next few hours, days, weeks of her life would be like. I felt like my “friend” joined my world. In one moment, she lost her husband and the father of her children…Just…Like…Me.
I’m anxious to see what “life” has in store for her… So of course I’m looking forward to next Thursday’s episode. It may be too much. It may hurt to watch her walk a similar path to mine. And though she is not real, I hurt for her. Though it may dredge up old feelings, I won’t run away. I will watch and I will cry “with her.”
So I’m feeling really good…
That being said… I put almost half of the weight I lost back on in the past year. I’ve always struggled with my weight but here I am determined again. I was feeling down, rejected and just bad about myself and needed to do something about it. I’m now already just a few pounds shy of back to my lowest and hope to push it further. I really really despise exercise but ya know what? When it’s all said and done, I feel great. I’m in a better mood and frame of mind. I have more energy and I’m less tired and I’m proud of myself. I always like feeling like I look good too … But what girl doesn’t?
I’m almost one month smoke free… Many of you know how much of a sore subject that is… I started smoking again the day Alex died and though I tried a few times over the past couple years, I never really put my all into it and made it happen. This time I’m doing it with no real incentive other than for myself. I’ve always known you can only quit when YOU want to and not for anyone else…. And I want to.
I have officially signed up to walk 18 miles overnight for suicide prevention. When this journey started, I could not even finish a 5K. It may take some time and effort but I know that I can and will do it! I will do it for Alex.
I have many failures in life (don’t we all?) but every one brings new knowledge… I’m still a strong, successful woman in so many ways.
I heard a song today that has always
been inspirational to me. I don’t really know why… I know that the true meaning of the song is different than my interpretation but I will end with:
“I am falling and if I let myself go I’m the only one to blame! I’m safe up high… Nothing can touch me!”
Something to ponder… The age old question of nurture/nature. Are we a product of breeding or a product of our environment?
For me, I was raised by parents who have been together since teenage years and still are together… They were raised by parents who were together since teenage years and are either still together or were until one passed away at an elderly age. To me, that’s normal. That’s what I grew up expecting life to be.
My marriage wasn’t perfect but really whose is? There is no such thing as a perfect person so how could there be a perfect couple? No matter what was happening, I thought love could conquer all and we would be fine. I don’t believe in giving up easily or for no real reason, once committed to someone. I knew what I was doing getting married and planned for it to be forever. The universe had other plans for me…
I’m not good at this. Dating makes no sense to me. I’m missing the “date around and flirt gene.” I only know commitment. Product of environment? Maybe….
What about Alexa? What is she growing up seeing? How is this going to affect her future? I never wanted my child to grow up without a father and even more I don’t want her growing up seeing different men in and out of my life. As much as I would like to think things don’t affect her yet, they do. Her father chose to die and the first man in our life, since him, chose to leave us too… How do I even begin to explain and repair that damage?
I want her to grow up knowing how strong her mommy is and how hard I work to give her everything she deserves. I can be a mom and a dad and everything she needs. But I don’t want her adult life to be like mine. Maybe it’s my environment… But just because we can live life alone, doesn’t mean we are meant to.