After almost 5 years in my house, it was time to move on…
Even now, staring at the screen, there are so many thoughts and emotions to go with this change that I don’t even know where to begin.
First, it’s exciting. I’m starting a new life with someone in a new home. Buying a house was truly a pain in the ass, but worth it. The house is beautiful and amazing and we so excited to be a “new family.”
But here are some thoughts about the old house… This was the last place Alex lived and the place he died. This is Alexa’s first home and first room. There are so many happy and awful memories here… It’s bittersweet to leave it all behind. (Even if only moving up the street lol.)
For my long term readers, you know what happened… You remember the shocking days after… Trying to put all the pieces together and finding out just how many guns he had. I never knew about them, yet found them hidden all over my house. I thought for years this was long behind me, but it happened again. One of the final things to move out of the house was “his” desk… And guess what? There was a gun hidden under the drawer. How did I never know that? I had a rush of anger and embarrassment in front of those helping me move. How many times had I used that desk? All I can say is WTF? Really??? This shit is still happening?! I… Just…. Can’t! I really thought that there was nothing I could be angry about at this point… But clearly I can.
Again, my long-term readers know my story and know that I don’t hide from it… The good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent… I put it all out there. Almost three years has passed and, until today, Alex’s “mess” remained. Part of me is ashamed that I didn’t take care of it previously, but it is what it is. In the beginning, I couldn’t bring myself to do it… A rug covered it and there it stayed, basically “forgotten about.” It’s gone now, and I sit here not really knowing how I feel about it… When it comes to suicide, loved ones are left to figuratively and literally clean up your mess… Think about that… Really let that sink in. I would like to think that cleaning up his “literal” mess is the end of cleaning up any other messes related to this dent in my life.
For so long I kept saying that my life was not what I wanted and not what I chose… I chose the life I have now.. I can finally say that… And it’s exactly what I want.
After almost 5 years in my house, it was time to move on…
It’s amazing how life works. I don’t know any other way to describe it….Things have been great. Life was going so well. I was very much enjoying life on our own. I love being a mom and love my busy crazy life with all of my crazy endeavors. But life has a way of throwing curveballs and I suddenly went from single mom, to building a new wonderful life with someone. I am truly getting my second chance at a family and I can’t put into words how this feels. Alex swept me off my feet and we instantly knew that this was it… Ya know what? It can happen twice. I used to scream at (what I imagined to be) Alex that after what he did to me, he owed me and needed to fix my life. The months I spent single this time really made me a happier, stronger person, completely comfortable with myself. I needed that, and now I believe that, when I was ready, he sent me the life I was eventually looking for. (Even if I didn’t believe I quite wanted it yet.) In the meantime, I’ve done so much!
I walked 18 miles overnight, through Boston, in freaking monsoon, in Alex’s memory and raised $2,200 for Suicide Prevention. No matter what, this is a huge part of me, and I will never stop.
I became a director with Jewelry in Candles and went to their first ever conference. It was a quick crazy weekend trip and it was just so amazing! The energy there was indescribable! I worked hard and am proud to a part of it.
Everything happens for a reason… The good, the bad, the indifferent… And in the darkest moments of life, keep going! It WILL get better. Live every moment to the fullest! I know I am…
Even two years later, things come up that never cease to amaze me. Alex was obviously the computer guy in the house. That was his job, that’s what he knew. I know enough to get by but never really had to learn major stuff. If anything went wrong with my computer I would call for him to look at it (after restarting it first lol.) I do not know how to do a lot of admin things and do not know passwords to many things. When it comes to “our” Mac, I know how to use photoshop and that’s about it. We each had our own login, but I hardly ever use mine. Photoshop is on his login and it has stayed that way. Thankfully that is one password that I did know.
Today, I needed Photoshop and I needed a photo from my email. I logged into his account and opened my email. Somehow I never noticed the toolbars across the top where he had bookmarked pages. When it comes to “curiosity killed the cat,” I’m always the cat. I just can’t help it.
I clicked on “my sites.” I shouldn’t be surprised and at this point nothing should anger me anymore but it did! Really? This is all he cared about…
I can make excuses over and over for all the reasons why I have not written anything lately. It has never been a secret that I write mainly when I am hurting or upset and really need to get things off my chest. I’ve been doing very well lately. I am happy.. all on my own. (With Alexa of course.)
I have been insanely busy with all my many endeavors and raising my daughter and enjoying life. The nice weather is here and it always makes me feel better. I love being busy… I live for it. I take on more and more all the time and though it becomes stressful at times, I wouldn’t change it at all.
I wrote a lot in the beginning of this crazy journey. I was in a dark place and my blog was my therapy, my slight glimpse of hope and happiness for the future…. My sanity hung on by a thread, and the blog strengthened that thread. I think it is a good thing that I don’t need it as much anymore.
I have recently turned 31. Scary right? It is… I really had a great birthday but will admit depression followed for a few days. I don’t know why a stupid number had me so down, and I started to write about it, but realized I needed to suck it up and deal! I’m not going to get younger, no one does.. get over it. I can look at my life and say that I am not where I “planned” to be at my age, but ya know, so many of us aren’t. Just because life is not what I pictured, does not mean it is not a beautiful picture anyway. Besides all the leftover trauma and being alone (blah blah blah) life is pretty awesome.
So…. the real topic for tonight. My favorite show killed off one of my favorite characters making my other favorite character join the widow club. I, of course, cried… Like many Grey’s lovers probably did as well. But the one thing that really stood out to me was the realism. I find that in every show when a woman finds out her husband has died (this seems to happen a lot on tv) they fall into hysteria instantly. There is instant screaming and crying and over the top reactions. That makes sense when you imagine what it must be like… But as a woman who has experienced this, it’s not. I was calm, shocked, matter of fact and numb. Tears were impossible to produce, even if I tried…. It struck me tonight when Meredith acted exactly the same way. Now, I know she is not real… so someone did their homework when writing this episode. Seeing her this way hurt.. And I felt that she was real. I felt myself thinking about what the next few hours, days, weeks of her life would be like. I felt like my “friend” joined my world. In one moment, she lost her husband and the father of her children…Just…Like…Me.
I’m anxious to see what “life” has in store for her… So of course I’m looking forward to next Thursday’s episode. It may be too much. It may hurt to watch her walk a similar path to mine. And though she is not real, I hurt for her. Though it may dredge up old feelings, I won’t run away. I will watch and I will cry “with her.”
So I’m feeling really good…
That being said… I put almost half of the weight I lost back on in the past year. I’ve always struggled with my weight but here I am determined again. I was feeling down, rejected and just bad about myself and needed to do something about it. I’m now already just a few pounds shy of back to my lowest and hope to push it further. I really really despise exercise but ya know what? When it’s all said and done, I feel great. I’m in a better mood and frame of mind. I have more energy and I’m less tired and I’m proud of myself. I always like feeling like I look good too … But what girl doesn’t?
I’m almost one month smoke free… Many of you know how much of a sore subject that is… I started smoking again the day Alex died and though I tried a few times over the past couple years, I never really put my all into it and made it happen. This time I’m doing it with no real incentive other than for myself. I’ve always known you can only quit when YOU want to and not for anyone else…. And I want to.
I have officially signed up to walk 18 miles overnight for suicide prevention. When this journey started, I could not even finish a 5K. It may take some time and effort but I know that I can and will do it! I will do it for Alex.
I have many failures in life (don’t we all?) but every one brings new knowledge… I’m still a strong, successful woman in so many ways.
I heard a song today that has always
been inspirational to me. I don’t really know why… I know that the true meaning of the song is different than my interpretation but I will end with:
“I am falling and if I let myself go I’m the only one to blame! I’m safe up high… Nothing can touch me!”
Something to ponder… The age old question of nurture/nature. Are we a product of breeding or a product of our environment?
For me, I was raised by parents who have been together since teenage years and still are together… They were raised by parents who were together since teenage years and are either still together or were until one passed away at an elderly age. To me, that’s normal. That’s what I grew up expecting life to be.
My marriage wasn’t perfect but really whose is? There is no such thing as a perfect person so how could there be a perfect couple? No matter what was happening, I thought love could conquer all and we would be fine. I don’t believe in giving up easily or for no real reason, once committed to someone. I knew what I was doing getting married and planned for it to be forever. The universe had other plans for me…
I’m not good at this. Dating makes no sense to me. I’m missing the “date around and flirt gene.” I only know commitment. Product of environment? Maybe….
What about Alexa? What is she growing up seeing? How is this going to affect her future? I never wanted my child to grow up without a father and even more I don’t want her growing up seeing different men in and out of my life. As much as I would like to think things don’t affect her yet, they do. Her father chose to die and the first man in our life, since him, chose to leave us too… How do I even begin to explain and repair that damage?
I want her to grow up knowing how strong her mommy is and how hard I work to give her everything she deserves. I can be a mom and a dad and everything she needs. But I don’t want her adult life to be like mine. Maybe it’s my environment… But just because we can live life alone, doesn’t mean we are meant to.
Alex did some really shitty stuff sometimes. He wasn’t perfect and made mistakes. He tried his best and sometimes failed. He hurt me in a way that I will never fully recover from…
However, he loved me with all that he had. He wanted me and wanted to be with me. He created a life with me with no doubts. He was thrilled to marry me. He reminded me that he loved me and looked forward to the time we spent together. He appreciated who I am and what I’ve done for him. He tried to give me everything I ever wanted, even when sometimes he couldn’t. I truly believe his suicide was an attempt to make MY life better.. He told me that himself….
I always felt that he was looking down cheering me on. I believed that he was going to work some magic from the other side and “fix” what he did. I accept that the choices I make (as well as others around me) are beyond his control, but I still ask that he lead me. Each day I wonder the meaning and reason behind things that have happened. I wish he could answer that for me.
I have never been good with the unknown… I want to fast forward life and see where it ends up, just to know everything will be okay. But I can’t… So for now… I have to relax and enjoy the ride.
It’s interesting to me how over the last few days, so many people have come to me with their thoughts and praise. I’ve been repeatedly told how strong I am as I have heard many times before. I AM a strong person and I can make it on my own… That doesn’t mean I’m not hurting though.
I was told that I always give the best advice in these situations and now I need to take that advice… Hmm.. What advice do I have for myself right now? You can always see things more clearly when you’re on the outside… Well, life is unfair. Sometimes the people you love don’t love you back. You can put your all into something and be the best you can and it’s still not enough. You live and you learn. Someday, the pain will be replaced with happy memories. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and have some fun. You only live once so enjoy it. For a long time, I had myself convinced that I was crazy and just seeing things because of my past. I should trust my instincts (and not my heart.) All in all… Everything is okay in the end… If it’s not okay… It’s not the end.
I’m finding it very difficult to not blame Alex… If he weren’t gone, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I know this wasn’t my fault and it’s so hard not to place blame elsewhere.
Again I am so lucky to have my little girl. I’m not sure how much she understands, but she knows I’m upset. She’s the best thing I could ever ask for and even now tells me to “just keep swimming…”
How did I get here? Here I am again, almost 31 years old and single… It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I got married somewhat young and that was supposed to be it. We had nothing and built a life together. I couldn’t imagine loving again after him yet I did. I thought I was so lucky to find someone who could deal with my past and wanted to start a new life with me. It turns out, through no fault of my own, love wasn’t enough and I’m left shattered and alone, again with no control over the situation. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me and what have I done to deserve to be unhappy.
I’ve been through much worse and I survived…. I will be just fine. Though I lost another part of my heart and soul (two parts this time)and a year of my life wasted.
Some days I really think you are a piece of shit for doing this to me… Especially on a holiday. What a low blow dirty move! Ruin the life I had and every New Years to come, even after I’ve rebuilt my life. Yesterday was one of those days.
Then, of course, I come to my senses and realize all the stuff I’ve been fighting for. You made a mistake in a dark moment. You were sick and in pain and couldn’t see what you were doing to the people around you and blah blah blah.
I’ve been doing well and living life and am not a mess anymore, so somehow I convinced myself that yesterday would be the same. “I’ll be fine!” Well yes and no.
I purposely spent the night away from home as not to wake up in my house. I feared it would be too similar to that day. I got up and got ready for work and Alexa ready for daycare. I was fine…. Until I backed out of the driveway. Then.. I lost it. I cried and cried bringing Alexa into daycare and through the Dunkin drive thru. I don’t even really know why. I decided I should stop, take a break and calm myself with a smoke (I know not the healthiest choice but my choice nonetheless.) At that point, it became apparent that I had no lighter. I had somewhat calmed myself down and realized I still had some time, so I ran into the grocery store, grabbed a lighter, and got in the only line open. The woman in front of me had a decent amount of items but what was I to do? She then picks up another item and asks for the price, upon hearing the price, she decides she doesn’t want it. Ok so I’m waiting and waiting when the cashier realizes the price was wrong. She picks up the item again (a window candle) and finds that it really is on clearance. The woman gets excited and runs back for more. She’s digging and digging and counting and counting and announces “well I have 41 windows in my house!”
O..M…G! I ask if there’s another register open, nope. I ask if I can go to customer service… Nope. I ask if I can just have a pack of matches… Nope.
They slowly begin unpacking the box and one by one swiping and discounting them. I was so frustrated by this point that I burst into tears…
Yup… Really, I did.
Finally, they opened another register for me and after 14 minutes, I left with my lighter. Thankfully, that was the worst part of my day.
I got through the work day okay and had a pretty decent night overall…. I was asleep by 11pm
Each year gets a little better. I’m so thankful for all who were there for me, checked in on me, and distracted me.
Yet I’m shocked at those who seemed to have forgotten…
Happy New Year… I’m looking forward to what 2015 has to bring.