I cried a lot today… Why today? I have no idea. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what started it. I’m sad… Tears start and the next thing I know I’m hysterical and I just can’t stop. I don’t think I need to say that I miss him, but I will. I miss him!!! I’m usually one of those people that cries and you can’t even tell. Not today. What a mess! I look like I’ve been crying for days! This won’t be the last time. I can’t be strong all the time…
Archive for February, 2013
On April 13, 2011, I lost one of my best friends. My dog, Juan, passed away. I went out for a few hours, and when I came home, he was not waiting for me at the door. I found him unexpectedly deceased on my bed. I was devastated. Alex immediately drove the 2 hours home from work. I was in such shock and just falling apart. Juan meant so much to me. I still miss him each day. My other dog, Nathan, became my security blanket and Alex supported me though the depression that followed. Thankfully, I do work at an animal hospital, so everyone there could understand my pain. I should mention it was the day after my birthday, which forever put a damper on that day. I grieved like I am now. I had good moments and bad and had anxiety about things related to him. Eventually, it did not hurt as bad. We decided that Nathan needed another dog friend. I just did not think I was ready. Alex sent me links to dogs on petfinder non-stop. I always found a reason to say no. “They look too much like Juan.” “I don’t want that breed.” “I don’t want a puppy.” “It’s cute but I just don’t know.” “They aren’t used to cats enough.” Finally, one dog just stuck with me. I still don’t know what did it. He just had a sweet face that I couldn’t resist. He was in a shelter in MD. Once the application was approved, we drove out, on Alex’s birthday weekend, with Nathan, to see him. He was a scared little old Chihuahua mix with some significant issues. Anyone who knows me, knows I have a huge weakness for Chihuahuas. He actually bit Alex at the shelter. I can laugh about that now. Anyway, old aggressive Chihuahua? Sign me up! We took the scared little guy home. He was excited as soon as we walked in the door and he saw he was in a home. He is a calm, sweet little man that just wants to be snuggled all day long. However, medically, we cannot do anything to him. Every few months, we have to sedate him for his bath/nail trim and anything else he needs, for his safety and ours. Over the summer, I was out on maternity leave, and Alex, Alexa, Wifi and I made the trip up to work to take care of this. Of course, I took care of all of the actual work on Wifi (that’s my job) but Alex was there with me and everyone from work got to meet my little princess. Everything went well. Yesterday, it was time again. I am already so stressed out and now I had to deal with this too. It was a tough day. Alex was not by my side to worry with me or drive with me or anything. I didn’t get to call him with the results and tell him his little man was all done and awake! I had a 12 hour shift and Wifi was coming with me. He cried all the way there. My sanity was already dwindling. Well, he didn’t bite anyone and was, surprisingly, not the most aggressive patient of the day, but I still worry. We did his nails and bath, he had his teeth done, xrays, bloodwork and more. He got the works! Poor guy had a rough day too, but we got through it. He is starting to have some heart disease, but he is a Chihuahua, so no surprises there. By the end of the day, I just had nothing left in me. I had gotten to a point where absolutely everything was bothering me. I was so anxious that I couldn’t handle the sound of typing or people’s voices, even the bright lights. Just everything drove me crazy! I was so miserable and stressed out I couldn’t force a smile. Well, I forced a smile for my clients, but couldn’t otherwise. I don’t know why I get like that and I don’t always know how to snap out of it, I just have to deal with it. But, as usual, I made it though another day and another experience.
What a bunch of crap. I may be miserable but I don’t want to be. I want to spend my time around happy people. I want others in my life to be happy. I would like nothing more than to be a part of something special right now. I am a social butterfly and party planner at heart. I thrive on excitement and things to look forward to. I want to help someone plan their wedding or share in the joy of someone having a baby. I don’t want to ever be the downer of a group. I want to be something, do something, and be important to people. I want to be the friend you go to for a laugh or a cry, not the person you have to be on eggshells around. Share your joys with me. I will be happy for you. Ask me for advice, I may not be the best at it, but I will listen and will try. I admit, I am unhappy in life now, but I have hope. I recently wrote about the simple things in life. I miss making Alex smile, but I can still make others smile, and I want to.
When it came time to pick our wedding song, there was a song I really wanted to use and Alex just wouldn’t give in. We decided on something different but said we would also be sure to dance to that song later in the night. When that song came on, he was nowhere to be found. I was very disappointed. My cousin came to dance with me. I couldn’t imagine dancing with anyone else at that moment. A minute into the song, Alex came rushing onto the dance floor to me to finish the dance with me. Anyone who knows him won’t be surprised to hear that he was in the bathroom. This happened to us on two other occasions, at other events. We always miss this song! He did finally admit to regretting not using it as our official wedding song.
As I may have mentioned earlier, I believe in the spirit world and that spirits can walk among us. Someone told me that a sign that your loved one is around is when you are thinking of them and a song that reminds you of them comes on the radio. I spend a lot of time driving and a lot of time thinking of him. One day, this song came on the radio in the car. I hadn’t heard it in years. I cried my eyes out. Only two days later, I heard it again. This time I got angry. I started screaming at him. Yep, I was the crazy lady sitting in traffic screaming at no one in the car. “You left me! If you loved me so much you would still be here! How could you do this to me?! I wanted to spend my whole life with you by my side!” Weeks have passed and I never heard the song again. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
I have an amazing support system. My parents spend most of their time helping me with my life and my daughter. My friends (although most are far away) go out of their way to do whatever they can for me. My job has been amazing. I get to go to a place (almost) every day where I am surrounded by people who care about me. There are even those that I never expected to care, that do. This blog has given me a chance to express my feelings and grief in a healthy way and give people in my life (and not) a glimpse into what I am living. People have reached out to tell me that they are amazed at how well I write (I don’t know about that.. I just write what I feel) and express myself. Many have told me how it is helping them as well. I hope someday this can become even bigger. I want something good to come of this horrible situation. I hope to help others cope when they find themselves in similar situations to mine. I want people to learn about mental illness and suicide and have a better understanding of circumstances surrounding it. I have clearly expressed before that my husband was a wonderful and talented man. He should be regarded as such. A very select few people in my life seem to disagree with the path that I have chosen. I have been given the impression that it is felt that I should be ashamed and embarrassed of my life and my husband. I will not be. I love him and respect him and will continue to do so. His memory will be a good one. I have nothing to hide and I am here to help others and myself…not to hurt anyone.
I woke up today to the sounds of my little girl talking to herself down the hall. I went in her room to see that beautiful smiling face. It’s always a good way to start the day. I found some great deals on diapers.com and stocked up on some things I need, first thing this morning. I even got free overnight shipping with my 10% off, 10% rebate and $10 coupon toward next diaper purchase. It was not long after that my migraine hit. Great, just what I need. I have a lot planned for today. I have dealt with migraines for as long as I can remember. I even have memories of having them as a child, though at the time, I didn’t know what they were. Well Percoset, Imatrexx and a nap didn’t help. Thankfully, a few cups of coffee did and I was back to my day. I spent some time at my house getting things done. It doesn’t feel like home there anymore, but I do feel like I’m getting more comfortable there. I cleaned up the smashed vase (thank you kitties) and grabbed some random things I needed. Then, onto litterboxes. After dumping them all out, I realized I had no litter! Well, lets just say I’m lucky I didn’t end up on people of Walmart. I sure look like trash. Well who knows.. Maybe I did. I haven’t checked. I’m sure I looked crazy enough buying 5 boxes of litter, a bag of cat food, a bag of oreos, cough drops and cigarettes anyway. So I got that all taken care of, showered, dressed, and did my usual Sunday trip to the graveyard. I even told Alexa I was going to see daddy. She doesn’t understand anyway. I always want to go, but when I get there, I never know what to do there. So I clean up the grave a little and rearrange the little gifts I bring him. I brought some Easter egg things today. I decided not to take down his Valentine’s day wreath yet. It’s just so pretty. As I’ve mentioned, there is no gravestone yet. There is just a photo of him in the ground. I stare and stare at it in disbelief as he smiles back at me. I know all this happened and I know it’s real, I lived it… Or do I? Sometimes it is just surreal. How can this actually be my husband’s grave? Nah… I’m going to see him again soon. We are still together… Life is normal. I almost can convince myself sometimes. Well, it’s cold and I had nothing more to do there really. I know it’s not like he’s actually there. I can talk to him anywhere. I make it back in time to watch the end of the Daytona 500 and teach Alexa to clap and tell her “Go Dale go! Go 88!” We had fun. She’s just so cute. I hope she grows up enjoying racing. I had planned for weeks to go out to Melting Pot tonight with some friends from work. I have been sick so didn’t 100% commit to it but really wanted to go. The last time I was there was our first wedding anniversary, almost 4 years ago. As usual, the social anxiety began to kick in as I got ready. It would be easy to say I was too sick to go, but did I want that? Somehow, I forced myself through the anxiety, got dressed, drove the hour and made my legs walk up to the building. I’m glad I did. I had a good time with great people and ate some amazing food. I should say I ate a lot of amazing food. It was worth the anxiety. Now I’m alone and lonely and my princess is asleep. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight too. I made it through today… Tomorrow is another day.
It’s the little things…
It never took too much to excite me but now I realize that in this time it’s the simplest things in life that can make me smile.
Number one is Alexa. More specifically, the smile on her face when she sees me walk into her room in the morning, the sound of her giggling, the look on her face when she can only crawl backwards, and even just watching her play from afar. She just sneezed and even that made me go “awww.”
Food is a big one. I got a Dunkin Donuts gift card for Christmas that I still use on the way to work every morning. That multigrain bagel and coffee are a necessity to start my day. I’ll be really disappointed when that card runs out. Oreo balls are sooooo good. I think I may make some again today. Want to make me smile? Surprise me with something yummy!
Here’s a surprising one, the mail. Yes, I get really excited for the mail. I don’t think I have been like this since college. It means so much to me to get the random “thinking of you” cards and letters and little gifts, hand-me-downs, etc. I also get very excited for my online shopping orders to come in. I think I have taken the online sales to the extreme, and that excites me. 20% off, free shipping and 5% rebate?! Yes!
People always ask me what I need and what I can do to help. Here is what I can tell you. I need people to remind me to keep going, remind me that they care, and tell me when they are thinking about me. I need reminders that there are people reading. It sounds stupid, but I get some of my happiest moments in life now out of seeing an email that says I have a blog comment or a text that someone is thinking of me, or a Facebook message from someone telling me they started reading. Or that I have a new Ruzzle game waiting
Here is a card that came in the mail recently. It’s a photo of a group of my high school friends visiting. My cat snuck in the photo.
How did I end up at work without a lighter? I don’t smoke in my car and I can’t smoke at work so I make a morning stop at pathmark to have a smoke to collect my thoughts before work. How did I end up with no lighter!? This doesn’t sound like a tragedy but at the moment, it sure feels like it. I could, normally, run into the store and buy one but I had my dog in the car with me today. Oh man… What do I do? Frantically, I searched wherever I could. I had our camera bag with me. I have no idea why there would be a lighter in there but I have to try. There it was… A yellow lighter I had never seen before. Did he put it there knowing I would need it? Probably not… But if I want to believe that.. Why not?
I have been debating for a long time whether to write about this or not. This blog is meant for me to get my feelings out, and this has been weighing on me for a long time. As I stated earlier, I do not want anyone to think badly of Alex. I don’t. Yes, I get very angry sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I love him any less. He was a wonderful man, and I believe the man that did all this was not him. I am at a bit of a loss for words in that I don’t even know how to describe all this, but I will try.
When I met Alex, everyone told me that he would get obsessed with a hobby, want to be the best at it, spend a ton of money on it, become the best, forget all about it, and move on to something else. Boy was this true! When it was the Rubix cube, he had to have every one made. Special ordered from Germany, different colors, different sizes etc. No big deal, that wasn’t so expensive. When it was cycling, well that got really expensive, but that was healthy right? A little out of control but ok, I can handle that. I even tried to get into it. Photography was a big one. Now that’s an expensive hobby. He always needed some new lens, bag, flash, computer etc. But I turned it into a business to pay for the hobby. You get the idea. When the next hobby was guns, I was not about to jump on board. I am not comfortable with them, especially with a baby in the house. There was no agreeing on this. He was 100% fighting me that “guns are safe.” I had to hear the “guns are safe” talk every night. I agreed to one gun, in a safe, away from Alexa. I did not agree to any other financial obligation in the gun department. I should have known this was not the end.
Now comes the financial aspect of this. I guess blind trust was a bad idea. He took care of the bills. I knew they were getting paid. I told him what I needed to spend, and he told me what I could spend. I was always under the impression that we were just barely making ends meet. I had payment plans for medical bills and couldn’t always afford to fill my truck with gas.
In days before his death, I logged into my bank account. I never do this. I immediately discovered charges to a gun shop. This opened up some arguing. But still, we managed to have a fun weekend together. It was not until that morning until he just started to admit everything. He admitted to having two guns, taking out thousands of dollars in credit cards behind my back, spending thousands at the gun range, going there behind my back, paying for his gun membership (he said it was a gift,)paying for his gun license (he said work paid for it.) He said he was a compulsive liar and had lied about money more times than he could count (possibly thousands of times) in our relationship. He had me basically living in poverty, while spending thousands behind my back.
He kept apologizing, and asking me not to leave him. He kept saying he regretted it and calling me the love of his life. He kept saying he doesn’t know why he does this and wants to stop but doesn’t know how. He sent me all his credit card logins and promised to sell everything. I made him promise he would not hurt himself. He would only do that if I said he could smoke. He said he thought killing himself was a better option because I would be better off without him and his debt. I told him that was not a solution and losing him would ruin my life. He said he was going crazy from guilt.
We agreed to some changes. I said I had no intentions of leaving him. I didn’t have intentions of leaving. I was very very angry. I had every right to be angry. But I would try to forgive him. I guess looking back now he never actually said he wouldn’t hurt himself, but it seemed implied. I guess I’m just stupid. I will forever blame myself for not realizing. He even said himself he wasn’t serious. He said he was just stressed and hurting. He spent the entire day apologizing and working with me to fix things. So why did he do this? He was sick and I feel terrible that I didn’t know.
One of the last things he told me that night was, even though at 8 am he said he had 2, he actually had 3 guns. Well so far I’ve found 5.
There were 5 cigarette butts on the floor of the basement. He had a half an hour, at least, to tell me what was going on, or call a friend or a suicide hotline. How many times had I read postsecret to him? He knew about suicide hotlines. Was he deciding? Was he getting up the courage? Suicide is the #1 selfish act in the world. I do not believe he was a selfish man. He wasn’t. Did he really do this for me? That hurts even more, I think. When did he actually leave work? Why did he tell me he was on rt 1 when he was really at home?
I have gone through his credit card statements, since his death, and worry that he did this because he was scared what I would find. I guess I’ll never know.
Again, please do not think badly of him. I love him with all my heart and I want people to still feel the same way about him as they always did. People make mistakes. The man I love did not do this. His mental illness did.
Trying to go to bed at night is when my mind begins to race. I sometimes start by replaying the night of his death and bounce all over the place…Here it goes…
picture him lying there where I found him
wonder why again
replay old conversations (good and bad)
daydream about him still being here
laugh about some fun times
try to fix things in my head
write blog posts in my head that will never happen
think of ideas of my book that I wont remember in the morning
miss my cats and think about moving home
worry about living “alone”
do some financial planning
worry about Alexa grow up without a dad
daydream about being happy again someday (yeah right)
think back to things and wonder how I missed that!
get mad again
try to picture him smiling
try to hear his voice (i have a hard time with this)
make sure I remember where the spot on his hand and face were
feel how cold he was laying on him in the casket
wonder when I could turn back the clock to to fix this
think about the gravestone
wonder where he is now
wonder if he can see me
daydream about conversations that will never happen
ask him questions and actually expect answers
stress over the “unknown”
realize I’m hungry and have to pee and debate getting up..
Does this ever end?