My Christmas resolution last year was to lose weight. Alex was never very helpful in the weight loss area because he liked me heavy. Although it was wonderful that he loved me unconditionally, it made it tough to really work at it. I was going to do it anyway. I had just started when he passed away. I was unable to eat for days. Slowly, I started eating again and over the past four months, (almost) it has gotten worse and worse. It has been very difficult to care about what I eat and easy to find happiness in food. I have gained weight instead of lost. I have found more comfort in taking a nap than taking a walk. My answer has just been that I don’t care and I don’t have anyone to impress. Well, enough is enough. It’s time to do something about this. Tomorrow morning, I start my Limu Lean shakes and I’m going to get back on track. I know it won’t be easy and I expect some slip ups but I am going to try. I am not expecting any miracles, but for my health, I need to do this. Since I don’t put sugar in my coffee, I can still have my Dunkin fix though
Archive for April, 2013
Tonight’s post needs some back stories to make sense. When Alex and I moved to DE, he was working in NJ and continued to do so for the first year. He would only come home about every other night. Every other Saturday, I would work the night ICU shift until midnight. Those nights, I would not have seen him for a few days. He would typically stop and bring me dinner at work on his way home. It was exciting to see him for a few minutes and I couldn’t wait until midnight to head home to him. Those shifts were 16 hours long and I gave them up about halfway through my pregnancy. By that point he had been working in DE for a few months and wasn’t bringing me dinner anymore. He was still up waiting for me when I’d finally get home at 1 am though.
The next thing is, his car has yet another owner. As I mentioned previously a coworker purchased it for her elderly mother who has since passed away. The car now lives in CA! I was originally freaked out by seeing it at work sometimes, but oddly enough, now I’m sad that I will never see it again.
So here’s the real story… I was driving to work today thinking about how things aren’t bothering me as much. Maybe I thought too soon. First, I saw a car go through a guardrail and flip over. I immediately called 911 for the second time in my life. When 911 picked up I heard “due to unusually high call volume all operators are busy. Please hold.” Wow! So glad that didn’t happen the first time I needed them, not that the outcome would be any different. I then couldn’t help but imagine the similarity to Jay’s accident (and it’s his birthday too.) I pondered Alex’s involvement in that again. Next, I stopped at Dunkin and sat on the curb with my coffee and a smoke. I was looking down and heard a car slowly approaching me. I looked up and came face to face with another blue Aveo. I instantly felt like I was going to vomit. I didn’t… I just got up and drove the few more minutes to work. Obviously, it wasn’t his Aveo. I think it just caught me off guard. Work was good overall. I kept busy for most of it. I had my Pandora playing and chances are, eventually a song will bother me at least a little. For a while before our wedding, Alex had changed his ringtone to “The Final Countdown.” Well here we are a little over a month before what would have been our fifth anniversary and the song came on. I hate skipping songs on Pandora just to listen to a commercial but I needed to. I skipped it and moved on with work. Why I remember that was his ringtone, I have no idea, but I do. I took a night ICU shift tonight since I had to switch hours to stay home with Alexa this week. I was a nice change of scenery. I hadn’t done one in a while. It wasn’t until late that it started getting weird. No one came to the desk pretending to be the Chinese delivery boy for me. No one delivered Jersey Mikes to the Emergency door. I didn’t get a quick break for a hug and a kiss and I’m not going home to him waiting up for me.
My life isn’t totally back to normal yet. Well, what really is my normal now? My dad still stays over my house and my dogs are still living at my parents house so I guess that’s what I mean by not normal yet. Once I am living alone and the dogs are home, (besides going through some more of his stuff) that’s pretty much it. All the changes will be done, and that will be my new world. Well tonight was a change of pace. Dad was away for the night, so it was a girls night out (and in.) Mom, Alexa and I went out to dinner, and we are having sleepover with the dogs. Nathan is licking my face and my phone while i try to type this. The next two days will be long tiring days at work. I may need a significant amount of Dunkin coffee.
Something for my readers that I have been wondering lately. What questions do you have for me? What have I not discussed that you would like to see? What would you like to know about me? Feel free to comment or click “contact me.”
Well I spent the last 3 days as a “stay at home mom” and I did exactly that. With Alexa being sick, I couldn’t really take her anywhere so I literally stayed home for three days. Not exactly relaxing or a vacation but I did enjoy spending so much time with her. Tomorrow, it is back to work for the next 4 days. I found myself using the phrase “that’s life” a lot in the last few days. Today, a neighbor saw me outside (probably for the first time since I moved back) and she asked how I was doing. I said “I’m ok. I have good times and bad but that’s life.” When I found out I had to stay home the past few days and still pay for daycare, I said “that sucks but that’s life.” When I have found new little things that bother me now, considering my situation, I’ve said (see where I’m going with this?) “that’s life.” It is. This is my life. There are things that suck about it… But that’s life.
I’ve always believed in a spirit’s ability to walk among us. Many people have expressed to me the belief that animals and children are always able to see these spirits. It’s the adults that have a difficult time with it. There are times when I have questioned if Alexa’s babbling to herself was really her talking to Alex. I was never really sure. Today, Alexa got up and was being exceptionally cranky about her diaper change. Suddenly, she looked so intensely to an empty part of her room and started laughing. Worried that maybe I accidentally let a cat into her room, I kept looking over there and saw nothing. Finally she stopped laughing and said “Hi dada” and smiled. That was the first time she ever really said “hi.” Believe it? Maybe not. But I do…
My baby girl is 11 months old today and she’s sick again. I’ve done my best to cover my work hours to stay home with her the next couple of days. Nothing like paying for daycare that she can’t go to. Sometimes it’s a lot to deal with but I would do anything for her. That’s my job as a mom and I’m happy to do it. However, I can’t help but get angry that Alex didn’t hold up his end of the parent agreement. I’m not supposed to be doing this without him. When you have a child, it is your job to put them before everything else in the world, and I can’t help but feel that he didn’t. With the anger comes guilt and sadness. I feel awful that I feel this way. He’s a good man who made a mistake. But, I am paying for that mistake. I wish she had her daddy to hug her right now.
This weekend was my first “road trip” (as in driving 2.5 hours) alone with Alexa. Saturday morning we got up, packed and left. Ok, well I packed. It was a very happy day for me. I can’t describe it, but I had no anxiety about it. I was in a good mood and ready to go! Driving through the town we used to live in was certainly a little strange for me, but I did not let it bother me. It was a nice relaxing weekend (minus the stupid migraine) with friends and just nice to be away from my life for a little while. We talked about good memories of Alex and I was able to smile thinking of him. Alexa did great and seemed to have a really good time. I came home last night at fell asleep at 8:30! I’m sad that the weekend is over but looking forward to having more happy days. Here are some of the best photos of the weekend.
My little girl is growing up. In just a few days she will be 11 months old. Like any mom, I wonder where the time has gone. But at the same time, I can’t believe so much has gone on without him. I have started to plan her first birthday party. I know it will be a really hard day for me, but she cannot miss out on her first birthday, even if she won’t remember it. Watching her learn to crawl and stand and eat solid food has been an incredible experience. I enjoy it so much, yet feel bad that he’s not here to share it with me. Since babies change so much, I’m starting to forget what stages he was around for. She is the highlight of my life and I believe truly is saving my life. She’s exhausting, but so worth it. No matter how much I am hurting, I will not let it affect her. She deserves to have everything she would have had if our lives hadn’t changed. I am doing my best to give her that. She’s my only child and I want to still enjoy every minute of this. We’ve had a lot of fun tonight. Tomorrow, we are heading up to NJ to spend the weekend together with friends. Excited for a mommy/daughter road trip.
Sometimes I just want to escape my life for a little while. I don’t want the anger and pain in the back of my mind all the time. I want to have a day where I’m not reminded of him and the fact that he’s gone. I want one day where I don’t hear an upsetting song. Today was Lady Gaga’s paparazzi. Immediately I thought about the Halloween when I was Lady Gaga and he was Paparazzi. When will music not be upsetting? I want a day where the gun references don’t bother me. In the past, being told that a nail trim was “faster than a speeding bullet” didn’t mean anything. Now, it bothers me. I want to stop worrying about what else I’m going to find out. When will I be done putting together the pieces and analyzing everything? I’d like to be just a mom, not a single mom. I’d like to not be defined by this one terrible experience. But, how can you not be? Can I have a day where every responsibility is taken care of so I can just breathe and grieve? When will I stop loving someone who is gone? I’d like a day without that pain. When will I stop thinking of every point in time as before he died vs. after he died. Do I ever get to just be “me” again? Have you ever just gotten sick of dealing with something? Well tonight, I’m there. I want my life back… I know I’m asking for the impossible.
Last week, our close friend and best man drove down to come see Alex’s gravestone with me. He could only stay for a few hours, then headed back to NJ for work. The next day was my birthday. Like a normal day, he headed to his job as well, but it was not a normal day. He describes the turn of events as “I was hit going 65 mph and lost control. I flipped at least twice, was upside down and had to get myself out.” He came out with a minor concussion and and some soreness. After seeing the condition of the car, (and others have said the same) I’m amazed and thankful he’s alive. Days passed and a lot of comments were made. I had my own thoughts about it but never really shared until a friend messaged me. He said “Did you see Jay’s car? Someone said he had an angel watching over him that day. There’s no doubt in my mind who that angel was.” Of course, this message came in while I was in Toys R Us and I proceeded to cry. What is it with me crying in that place? It turns out, many people had the same thoughts (including myself) but he was the first to come out and say it. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I believe he was there that day. Maybe my birthday present was saving someone special to us. I can’t imagine watching a friend go through the loss I am.