Sunday, May 19th, 2013 at
As you can probably tell, I have been absent in writing the past few days. It has been a busy weekend! As I posted Thursday, It was an anxious day. I could not wait to get home and get everything started. It seems that the days leading up to an event are the hardest. The day before mother’s day was horrible. I cried all day. The actual holiday was fine. This week, I spent a lot of time picturing myself faking a smile and pretending to be happy. I worried about breaking down in the middle of the party and crying in front of everyone. I felt that I may not be able to fully enjoy my daughter turning one without Alex. On top of the party, I was having a yard sale that morning, just to stretch my sanity a little further. It was the development yard sale and I just did not want to miss that opportunity. I knew it may be rough to watch some of Alex’s items leave and some of Alexa’s baby stuff sell. Why not add more to an emotional day?
Thursday night came and I got to head home from work. I arrived home and already had guests. I’m so glad Jess was here to keep my insanity at bay. Some people can just keep me calmer. Friday morning, I was up early and ready to go! I cooked, cleaned, organized, priced things, set up things, herded 7 cats in the bedroom, did laundry and dishes, went through random things in the basement, etc. Oh yea! I met with someone about getting a fence at my house too! Again, just had to add more into my day. I want to get that done ASAP though. I guess coffee and adrenaline just kept me going! I have not been sleeping well lately so that concerned me.
Before I knew it, the alarm was going off on Saturday morning. I had everything out in the driveway by 7am and things were selling right away. Taking Alex’s clothes out of the bin to sell did not bother me as much as I thought. But even washed, they had that Alex smell. I still wear so many of his other clothes. Maybe thats why? My mom asked if she should do that for me, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Nothing will bring him back and I have to get used to that. I think I am starting to get used to that. Today, anyway. Halfway through the sale, the power went out! Really? I have no idea why. The weather was fine. I swore I would not stress about it. I have a generator, but I just did not want to deal with all that for her party! After 2 hours of listening to the generator next door, the power came back just in time! I am so thankful. As far as sales, I did well. I sold enough to pay for Alexa’s party. Not bad for just grabbing whatever I could in one day. 15 min before the party was supposed to start, I packed everything up, cleaned myself up, dressed Alexa and was ready! The party started right away!
Alexa looked like a perfect princess. Her cake was perfect and she smashed it just like I wanted her to. I was surrounded by people I care about and had a good time. I wish Alex could have been there, but I did not let it ruin this day. It is an important milestone in Alexa’s life and mine. I am so thankful for such amazing friends and family. I was so stressed out and anxious for everything leading up to the day, but the day was great. It was the best day I have had since Alex died.
Today, was back to “normal.” Those that stayed over, left. My house was cleaned up. I’m exhausted! I won’t say I’m depressed today. But I will say that I am sad it’s over and feeling a little empty. I miss him today. I had a great time yesterday, even without him. Now thinking back, I miss him more. Does that make sense? I miss him in hindsight? I don’t know.
One year ago today would have been my baby shower, instead, I was put in the hospital the night before. I’m thinking about that a bit today too. My little girl was not here yet and already changing my life!
Here are the best photos of the party…
The Birthday Girl!!
The kids (and me)
All cleaned up and having some post-cake milk with Uncle Jay
The Marlboro crew (sort of)