Archive for May, 2013

Happy Anniversary

I guess I said it all yesterday. I grieved our anniversary a day early and today I have to be as “normal” as possible and live my life. More than ever, I wish I were coming home to him today. Yesterday, I watched part of our wedding video. It was the first time I have seen a video of him since he died. I laughed and cried at the same time. It is a wonderful memory with such pain attached. I went to the graveyard with his anniversary gifts too. Funny because we were never big on gifts. I’m wearing my wedding rings today. I hope someday this day gets easier.
Please enjoy our wedding recap at this link. Heather and Alex Wedding.

I have also shared a photo of his grave again. This time decorated with his gifts.

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The day before…

So here it is, the day before another big day. Tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of one of the best days of my life, our wedding. Today, we would be getting everything together, checking into the hotel and going to our rehearsal dinner. Not before I sat at my kitchen table, broke the chair, and landed on my ass though. At least I have that to laugh about. It was a wonderful day with friends and family. Before we knew it, it was over and we had one day to relax before leaving for our honeymoon. Today is so different. It’s a regular day. I’m home for the moment and have a lot of errands to run. Since I have to work tomorrow, I will be bringing Alex’s anniversary gifts to the graveyard today. It seems strange through because there’s really nothing to celebrate anymore. He’s gone. We aren’t married anymore. He’s not coming home with something wood tomorrow. That sounds dirty.. The 5th anniversary is the “wood” anniversary. May 31st was a day for he and I to celebrate together. Now it’s just me. I’m certainly not sending myself flowers lol. On the other hand, maybe it would be easier to not acknowledge the day whatsoever. I guess I felt that way about my birthday too. May is really kicking my ass. Either way, I will never regret marrying him.

Poop!

I know what you must be thinking “She’s writing about poop?!” I am, but really it’s about my state of mind. I was at my chiropractor appointment, which also happens to be where my mom works. I was waiting for my turn when I noticed that familiar smell. Uh oh, another dirty diaper. I began to change Alexa and man was it bad. I had to change her clothes as well. I called mom for back up. As I slid the diaper out from under her, the large pile of feces went flying out of the diaper toward mom. *Splat* It hit the floor. Alexa was up on the table, waiting to finish being changed and I was laughing so hard I was on the floor. I cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard. I had tears in my eyes, and finally in a good way. I pictured Alex there laughing at us, which made me crack up more. He would have loved seeing that! Yup, it took poop to get a good laugh out of me, but man it felt good!

Something else to admit… I am rocking out to Miley Cyrus right now lol

My world

When do the random meltdowns end? I am not even sure what I was thinking about driving home last night but I got myself so worked up I was completely hysterical by the time I walked in the door. I know I was hurting knowing (again) that he wouldn’t be there when I got home. You would think after almost 5 months, I would be used to this by now. I guess sometimes I’m not.
Nights are lonely. I miss my kiss goodnight. I want to hold someone’s hand again. My bed is big and cold and empty. I miss laying on his chest listening to his heartbeat. I miss having a guy to smell and a big teddy bear to hug. I miss being in love. I miss having someone to be silly and giggle with. I miss intimacy. I miss being so very comfortable with another person. Watching people text with their significant others has gotten hard too. I miss that. I talked to a friend about it who felt that it was a good thing. It’s a big step for me to admit that I’m lonely and want that again someday. I get lonely and the anger starts again. How did he not know that I love him enough to get through this? How could he think this was better for me? No matter what, I did not want to lose him. I doesn’t matter how angry I was and am, I took vows and wouldn’t go back on them. With our anniversary coming up, I think about those vows more. I can’t help but feel he didn’t honor them. How could you do this to your wife? How could you do this to everyone else in your life that loved you so much. You left behind a family and friends that you meant the world to. Did you not know what you meant to us? I was very angry at what you did. I would like to believe I have forgiven you, knowing you were sick and couldn’t help it. Forgive and forget are two different things though.
Last night laying in bed, I continued reading a book I had been enjoying. I find myself escaping into someone else’s world. Late in the book came descriptions of gunshot wounds to the head and attempted suicide. Well this was not much of an escape anymore and too much like my life. Reminders are everywhere… I did not sleep well last night and am sore from yesterday’s workout. Thankfully I’m off today and pretty much just plan to hang out with Alexa. Sometimes just that is a workout! It’s rainy and miserable out. That never helps my mood. Hoping my Keurig and 1 year old can cheer me up! When will Dunkin Donuts start delivering?

Just because…

In becoming more active, I recently purchased a stroller that will attach to my bicycle. I have not gone riding since before I was pregnant. I don’t really know much about my bike. Alex took care of all the maintenance and would have both of our bikes ready any time we would ride. He was really into cycling and I tried my best to get involved as well. I know I was just not quite as good. Thankfully I found the air pump to fill the tires and my cycling shoes. I figured before taking Alexa out for a stroll I should ride a little bit on my own. I never rode alone and was just getting used to having my shoes clip in when I stopped riding. I would not have any idea how to switch back to regular pedals of where they are. Last night, I got the urge to try it out. Most of it was learning how to clip in and out again without falling. I did fall once. But overall, I did ok. I rode for 2 miles. Not much, but it was late and I had to get back to get Alexa ready for bed. I’m proud that I did it on my own.
This morning I got up with the goal of cleaning my room. I constantly wash clothes and never put them away. After cleaning, I started going through the clothes that end up in the bottom of my closet and found the bag of clothes from “that night.” Clearly, they are destroyed. I took them out of the bag. They were still in a crumpled mess and half inside out. I straightened them out, looked them over, folded them nicely and put them back. I’m not sure why I feel the need to keep them, but I do, and I guess that’s all that matters.
I made my graveyard visit today. Although I feel he is always with me and not actually at the graveyard, I still like to go visit. It is quiet time to just think and grieve. I like to clean up his stone and “area” and just hang out for a little bit.
This Friday will be our fifth wedding anniversary. I took my rings off my neck to take some photos with the stone. I put them on my ring finger and so far they have stayed. They are so beautiful and I miss wearing them. I don’t know how long they will stay there. Again… I guess whatever I feel like.
I know this may be a hard week. 5 years ago, this was the week leading up to our wedding. I’m trying to just stick with the happy memories but that may be impossible. On the actual day, I work 12 hours. A good distraction maybe? Like everything else… I will get through it somehow.
An old cycling photo..

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Some pictures from today…

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Wedding

Recently I got a call from a friend inviting me to bring a date to her wedding. I immediately declined stating that there’s no one I would bring. The more I’ve thought about it lately, the more it has bothered me. I haven’t had to go to an event alone in 6 years. I want to have a good time. Can I without him? I’ve had offers to “find me” a date, but ultimately, I don’t want a date, I want my husband. If I did bring someone, I don’t want a date, I want a friend to hang out with. Someone who understands my situation and is just there to support me (mentally) and have a good time. I still feel weird about it either way. I don’t want a “stand in” for Alex and I don’t know that I want to do this alone. I know I will have a lot of friends there and can borrow some husbands to dance with lol. I have to respond soon… I can do this. I know I can. It’s a special day and I’m looking forward to sharing it with them. Now if I can only find a dress!

Moving forward

Some nights I want nothing more than to know I’m going home to him. I can almost convince myself that I am. Almost.. This morning was one of those mornings where all I could do is scream at “him” until I cry. I’m not sure if he can hear my thoughts but I’m fairly certain he can hear what I’m saying. I’m still angry tonight but anger or not, I wish I could come home to mow hug. Either way, I feel I’ve made some progress. In the middle of the night recently, when I couldn’t sleep, I got the courage to change my Facebook relationship status to widowed. I know it’s just Facebook, but that was a big step for me. I guess, at that moment, I was ready. I had my weekly measurements done today. I only lost 1 pound this week but lost 4 inches! More progress… I don’t always feel like I’m moving forward but I guess I am.

Happy Birthday Alexa

1 year ago today:

As usual, I was stuck laying in my hospital bed. I had my daily ultrasound, at which point, I was told that Alexa would have a lot of hair! They never told me that before! I had just finished my lunch when the on-call OB and my Perinatologist walked into the room together. Oh no, this can’t be good. I was told that today was the day. When I said “today?” the response was, “Do you have anything better to do today.” Well.. I guess not…Anyway, we could not wait any longer. I asked if I could be induced and have her naturally. I was told we cannot wait that long. She has to come out NOW. I called Alex to come quick. Before I knew it, a wheelchair arrived and I was taken to pre-op. When the surgical tech found out I had just eaten, she said we must postpone. Hmm.. ok. 2 minutes later, she came back stating that this was an emergency procedure and we were not to wait. That was a little scary… Before long, I was prepped and rolled into the surgery suite. It seemed like Alexa was out in only minutes. It was exactly 4:25pm when she came out. She did not cry, but made two small little sounds. The NICU nurses were waiting. They cleaned her up, told me to kiss her, and ran. They were able to tell me that she weighed 3 pounds 7 ounces and she was breathing (we were expecting her to be 2 pounds 12 ounces.) She stopped breathing shortly after and did have to be intubated. Not only did she stop breathing, but so did I. I don’t know much after that. All the stress was on Alex because after that point, I was fully under anesthesia. I was not aware of anything until the next afternoon, and not able to come off high doses of anti-seizure medication until 24 hours after the c-section. I met Alexa a little after midnight the morning of the 25th. I was rolled into the NICU but have no recollection of actually meeting her for the first time. She spent 23 days in the NICU and I am so grateful for the care they gave her. It was a rough experience but every moment was worth it. It was at that point that Alex said he did not want any more children because he could not watch me go through that again. He changed his mind after a few months with Alexa.

Today:

This morning I woke up in the “bad place.” What I mean by that is, the depression and feeling of loss was overwhelming. If it weren’t for the screaming baby, I could have just laid in bed all day sulking and crying. I knew this was not fair to her. I also knew I needed to get out of this house. I met up with a friend and we went out and celebrated. Alexa got her first build a bear, wore her birthday dress again, went out to lunch, and visited the animals at work! We had a great time today! Overall, I think it was a great way to spend her first birthday.

Tonight, I said to Alexa, “well, Mommy made it through a year.” Then I followed it with, “sure wish daddy did.” So, I started the day with tears, and ended the day with tears, but the middle was very good.

Alexa 24 hours old

Alexa 24 hours old

Alexa and I. 3 days old.

Alexa and I. 3 days old.

Birthday girl at Cheesecake Factory

Birthday girl at Cheesecake Factory

Hanging out with her bear before bed.

Hanging out with her bear before bed.

One year..

This week last year was, until that point, probably the scariest week of my life. I’m not sure I even realized it at the time. I was pregnant and due July 12. I thought I still had a long way to go. It was Friday and the day before my baby shower. Some of my friends had already arrived. I had already been put on modified bed rest and my doctors were already concerned about things that had been an issue throughout my entire pregnancy, but this weekend was about me, and I was excited! A friend and I were in the Dunkin Donuts drive thru (surprised?) when my phone rang. It was my doctor telling me my lab results came in and I was immediately to head to the hospital.
My first response was “but my baby shower is tomorrow!” Obviously that didn’t change her mind. All I could think was I still had 8 weeks to go. I had to stay in the hospital for 2 months?! It was at that point that I realized I could be having Alexa in the next few days. As stubborn as I am, I decided I didn’t care and I would go to the hospital AFTER the party. Somehow, hours later, Alex and I were walking into Labor and Delivery and the party was getting cancelled.
A few days passed and I started getting comfortable with my daily 6am visits from the perinatologist, constant blood pressure checks, daily ultrasounds, measuring my pee (fun stuff,) eating hospital food, and begging to shower. Little did I know that 2 days from today, my life would change forever…

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What a weekend…

As you can probably tell, I have been absent in writing the past few days. It has been a busy weekend! As I posted Thursday, It was an anxious day. I could not wait to get home and get everything started. It seems that the days leading up to an event are the hardest. The day before mother’s day was horrible. I cried all day. The actual holiday was fine. This week, I spent a lot of time picturing myself faking a smile and pretending to be happy. I worried about breaking down in the middle of the party and crying in front of everyone. I felt that I may not be able to fully enjoy my daughter turning one without Alex. On top of the party, I was having a yard sale that morning, just to stretch my sanity a little further. It was the development yard sale and I just did not want to miss that opportunity. I knew it may be rough to watch some of Alex’s items leave and some of Alexa’s baby stuff sell. Why not add more to an emotional day?

Thursday night came and I got to head home from work. I arrived home and already had guests. I’m so glad Jess was here to keep my insanity at bay. Some people can just keep me calmer. Friday morning, I was up early and ready to go! I cooked, cleaned, organized, priced things, set up things, herded 7 cats in the bedroom, did laundry and dishes, went through random things in the basement, etc. Oh yea! I met with someone about getting a fence at my house too! Again, just had to add more into my day. I want to get that done ASAP though. I guess coffee and adrenaline just kept me going! I have not been sleeping well lately so that concerned me.

Before I knew it, the alarm was going off on Saturday morning. I had everything out in the driveway by 7am and things were selling right away. Taking Alex’s clothes out of the bin to sell did not bother me as much as I thought. But even washed, they had that Alex smell. I still wear so many of his other clothes. Maybe thats why? My mom asked if she should do that for me, but ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Nothing will bring him back and I have to get used to that. I think I am starting to get used to that. Today, anyway. Halfway through the sale, the power went out! Really? I have no idea why. The weather was fine. I swore I would not stress about it. I have a generator, but I just did not want to deal with all that for her party! After 2 hours of listening to the generator next door, the power came back just in time! I am so thankful. As far as sales, I did well. I sold enough to pay for Alexa’s party. Not bad for just grabbing whatever I could in one day. 15 min before the party was supposed to start, I packed everything up, cleaned myself up, dressed Alexa and was ready! The party started right away!

Alexa looked like a perfect princess. Her cake was perfect and she smashed it just like I wanted her to. I was surrounded by people I care about and had a good time. I wish Alex could have been there, but I did not let it ruin this day. It is an important milestone in Alexa’s life and mine. I am so thankful for such amazing friends and family. I was so stressed out and anxious for everything leading up to the day, but the day was great. It was the best day I have had since Alex died.

Today, was back to “normal.” Those that stayed over, left. My house was cleaned up. I’m exhausted! I won’t say I’m depressed today. But I will say that I am sad it’s over and feeling a little empty. I miss him today. I had a great time yesterday, even without him. Now thinking back, I miss him more. Does that make sense? I miss him in hindsight? I don’t know.

One year ago today would have been my baby shower, instead, I was put in the hospital the night before. I’m thinking about that a bit today too. My little girl was not here yet and already changing my life!

Here are the best photos of the party…

The Birthday Girl!!

The Birthday Girl!!

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The kids (and me)

The cakes!

The cakes!

Cake smash!

Cake smash!

All cleaned up and having some post-cake milk with Uncle Jay

All cleaned up and having some post-cake milk with Uncle Jay

The Marlboro crew (sort of)

The Marlboro crew (sort of)

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