Archive for December, 2013

Glad to escape my world

Greetings from the Outerbanks. I’m thankful for the decision of getting away for the week. I’m feeling better than I had been at home. I’m relaxing and having fun, yet sneaking in a few tears here and there. I know tomorrow may be different. Here I am… The one year. I’m still not certain how it will feel. I will light a candle and have a special dinner for him. I want to celebrate his life, not mourn his death. Easier said than done. As of tomorrow… I will have officially survived the worst year of my life. Ironically, it is also the last day of the year.
Little things keep popping up to remind me of his presence. I opened words with friends after a very long hiatus. It instantly told me that my last game played was lost to Alex. That felt pretty crappy. I’m always reminded when I see a silver hatchback civic. I never knew they were so popular. There was one waiting to get on the ferry today. Thankfully, everything is better with the waves outside your door… Here are some photos from the trip so far.

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Christmas

Well I made it through Christmas. This month has been hard. There’s no denying that. This week has been the hardest. There were days that I just couldn’t force being normal. The smile on my face was fake and the tears were right there and ready at every minute of the day. I lost all motivation and had times where I couldn’t force myself to do anything. I’m constantly told how strong I am, yet no one truly knows what goes on in my head. I don’t always feel so strong. Friends visited this weekend and last and kept me going. Work forced me to keep moving. The toddler yelling down the hall forced me out of bed each day. As usual, the days leading up to a holiday are worse than the actual holiday. I cried so many times on Monday and I don’t even know why. Christmas music was my arch enemy as if mocking me, trying to bring out the tears. And then… The days arrived. I brought Alexa to visit Alex yesterday and put flowers on the grave. I asked her if she wanted to go and she said yes. Though when I asked her if she knew what I meant, she said no. I know she doesn’t quite get it but feel that if she visits now, it will always be normal to her. I know I have a lot of major explaining to do someday (and I’m dreading it even now) and hope that the more we visit, the more comfortable she will be with it. Who knows. I really have no experience on this. I’m just figuring it out as I go along. I guess that’s how motherhood is anyway. I cooked Christmas Eve dinner and was excited to make it an all crock pot (3 of them!) meal. I love crock pots. I was just discussing getting a 5th. Well technically 7th because I have 2 mini ones. Slightly obsessed… Dinner turned out great. The night wasn’t so bad. I expected today to be awful. I shouldn’t expect the worst but I do in this case. I took photos with Alexa and watched her open gifts. Recently someone said that they thought that Christmas was the best when they were a kid, but really it’s the best when you have a kid. It was great that Alexa could understand and really open gifts this year. Though, of course, last year Alex was still here. I had 6 more days with him. I wish I had known. In 6 days, I will have survived a year. I can’t believe it’s only 6 more days. Part of me feels like it took forever to get here and the other part of me feels like it can’t have been that long. 359 days since I saw him, kissed him, touched him. How is that possible? Saturday, I leave for vacation. I started packing today.
I hope I can enjoy it as a vacation and not be caught up in the date. We’ll see. Will NYE ever be ok? Will
Christmas ever be fully happy again? Last year we took a photo as a family. This year I took a photo as a single mom. I was still so excited for the experience with Alexa. Being a mom is amazing, even if it is not the experience I pictured. I miss you Mow. Merry Christmas.

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Insert cranky title here

Lately I feel like I’m back at the beginning of all this. I’m replaying that night… Trying to change what I said and fix the outcome. I’m wondering again at what point in time would I choose to go back to try to change things. I’m pondering the different outcomes. I’m replaying my life with him. I thought I was past all of this. Apparently it comes back. Driving home at night seeing Christmas lights bothers me. It reminds me of the days right after his death. Everyone’s Christmas lights were still up and here they are again. It’s strange the random things that become reminders. Again I sit here just shocked that there’s no way out of this, no way to fix it. I’m baffled that an amazing man chose to leave this world at 29 years old. I should have had so much more time with him. I’m annoyed that there will never be anyone like him. In talking to other people, I totally get that in that moment, nothing matters. You can’t see the negative impact on those around you. I know he thought this was better for me. I can tell myself that all I want, but still, this isn’t better. I thought I reached acceptance. I’m not a fan of the whole “why me?” Bad things happen to good people. Bad things happen to everyone. But really, why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to Alexa? Right now all I can see is that the holidays are coming and I’m alone. The man that promised me forever is gone. I’m back to one day at a time… Just keep swimming and get through another day. That’s all I can do. Here’s some food for thought…

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Wake me up when December ends

December brings a lot of ups and downs. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like the cold and how early it gets dark. I’m not sure I ever realized how much I hate it. Motivation is low and I just don’t have the energy I normally do. I’m spending more time sleeping than ever. I have been sick and my headaches have been rough so I guess that makes sense anyway. Every day, I look at the date and wonder what was going on on this date last year. I had no idea how my world was about to change. What was going on in his head that I was missing? What should I have been doing differently. Were we going through a winter depression? The holidays are hard and compounded by the idea that the one year is creeping up on me. What will it feel like to get past that dreadful date? Will I feel relief? Will I relive last year? I really can’t say. I am trying to get through everything associated with Christmas. I’m trying to get excited for Alexa. I don’t think I have it in me to send Christmas cards and I haven’t been able to put up our stockings. I’m struggling with the idea that he won’t come home with a cute Christmas gift that he can’t wait until Christmas to give me. Though I hate the snow, I’m looking forward to taking Alexa sledding for the first time. I’m crazy excited for my next tattoo appointment. It’s just the therapy I need. I’m half looking forward to vacation. I want to go, but I know that dreadful date will arrive when I am there. And still… I will have no one to kiss at midnight like I had for 6 New Years. That’s if I’m awake anyway. Clearly last year, that was the last thing on my mind on that date. I’m exited for the next two weekends with my friends, who are not going to leave me to be alone on some rough weekends. Still… I’m looking forward to spring.

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Tonight’s random thoughts

To the TV show “Dads” – joking about suicide and calling it “the easy way out” is not funny and very disrespectful.
I hate being sick and not having Alex here to take care of me.
I loved having Santa come by on the fire truck for Alexa… But for me, I didn’t like the sirens and flashing lights in front of my house. I was able to hold back the tears and smile for Alexa.
I hate that last year Alex was outside with us to see Santa.
I hate that I take Alexa to check ups and she doesn’t have a dad with her… Or I can’t text him about it.
I’m going through the motions of Christmas. I can’t hide from it. I think I’m looking forward to doing some baking… Ok it’s not baking it’s Oreo ball making.
I love Oreo balls… But it reminds me of the funeral because that night was the first time I had them.
I hate the winter. I really do. I have no desire for snow. I hate being cold. I’ll be a happier person in the spring.
I have let go of my anger. And I still truly believe that he didn’t do this and “mind monsters” did, but I still can’t help but wonder how you can leave a baby behind and do it on a holiday.
It bothers me that the guy on jeopardy tonight looks like Alex.
I miss everything about being married. I miss having another half. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss the sweet text messages. I miss sleeping next to someone. I miss having someone to run to with any thought I have. I miss being a family. I miss date nights. I miss fighting and making up. I miss the way he looked at me.

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