Archive for March, 2014

The club

I’m always saddened to hear when someone else has “joined the club.” By this I mean the widow club, the survivors of suicide club etc. I’ve travelled the same path and though no two situations are the same, I find that those who come to me in the aftermath have such similar thoughts, feelings, questions. What were they thinking? Why? Did they regret it? Is it my fault? It saddens me to say that we never truly get those answers. I can only say that I had them too. In the beginning, it was scary yet so numbing. I was in a fog for so long. I think we all experience that traumatic fog. I remember needing to just tell someone everything in my head. Someone who could understand…. Almost 15 months later, I can say that I survived and I’m going to be okay. I am happy to share that with the world and anyone who needs the reassurance that this is horrible, but someday, you will get there. I know it may not seem like it now.
It would be strange to say that it makes me happy to be able to help someone who is where I once was… I don’t want anyone to be where I was. However, the tiny positive that came from this is I can help and I can listen.

Wow

Sometimes things still come and just smack you in the face. I love Grey’s anatomy and could not wait to find the time to sit down and watch it. Even on the website, there are commercials. The first thing I saw was an advertisement for the show Resurrection in which they said “what would you do if your loved ones returned?” Wow! Not something I ever thought of. What would I do? Would I welcome him with open arms? Would I tell him sorry, life has gone on? Clearly it can’t happen so what does it matter? Still… It stopped me for a moment. Next, the show started. This stuff usually doesn’t bother me but only minutes in, the view of a doctor doing CPR came on. With every chest compression, blood came out of the side of the patient’s head. I’ve seen this in person, for real, and I was the one doing CPR. This is one of my mental images forever burned in my head, that I wish would disappear. Next they discussed his brain matter…. Something discussed with me as well that dreadful night. At that point, I shut it off. I’ll try again another night. I’m no longer interested this evening.
Life has moved on and I am happy again. I guess these little things still don’t go away though.

If today was your last day…

Yes.. My blog post today is Nickelback Lyrics. I heard this song on the radio today and really listened to the lyrics…There are some great thoughts in here that we should take to heart. “Each day’s a gift and not a given right.”

“If Today Was Your Last Day”

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest strideIf today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last dayAgainst the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it’s never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
‘Cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin’ stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you’re dreamin’ of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day

 

Time flies? Or does it?

Sometimes it truly amazes me how much time has passed and how different life is now. Other times I can’t believe how relevant he still is in my life and how many things I still relate to him. He still comes up in conversation constantly. He’s a huge part of my life and always will be.
I went to the graveyard yesterday and seeing the “2012” on the stone amazed me… Considering the fact that it’s now 2014. Although, it was still 2012 for only a few hours when he died. I don’t go to the graveyard as much and I don’t spend as much time as I used to. Part of me feels a little guilty, but that’s a normal thing over time. The photos of him on the wall now feel strange. I can’t really put into words why. I don’t really want to stare at my past I guess. They are still there and I don’t know that I’m in any rush to remove them, but they just don’t have the same feeling. Alexa changes every day and I hate that she doesn’t have her dad. But man that little girl has so many people who love her. No matter what I have been through, I will never regret one moment because Alex gave me the most important thing in the world, my baby girl. Well I guess she isn’t really a baby anymore. I’ll admit, in the tough moments with her, I beg him for help because he should be here to experience this with me. But he’s not, and that’s okay. It has to be.
It’s not a secret to those in my life that I am moving on and dating again. I know Alex would want me to be happy. It sounds cliche but he wanted the best for me. He just had a strange view of it. I’m ready… And I’m excited to see what the future will bring. It’s funny how in the beginning you just can’t imagine that it’s possible to get to this place. But you really do get there… It’s a long, tough, awful road. You never really get over it, but you get through it. I vowed not to die with him. I haven’t and I’m happy with who I’ve become and the progress I’ve made. I know he’s cheering me on from the other side. I deserve the chance to be happy again.

My truth

I appreciate the comments I get on this blog, however one really struck a chord with me today and I felt the need to respond with my thoughts.

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I am not speaking poorly of him. When writing my feelings, I write my truth. If you have truly read my blog, you know that I speak very highly of my husband. I loved him with all of my heart and he loved me too. However, he was not perfect, and neither am I. We both, as humans, made mistakes. When it came to quitting smoking, no he was not supportive. That was one small thing out of many other things he did support me on. Again, this blog is to get out my feelings, and I only speak my truth.
Furthermore, if you are going to criticize me, do it openly and with your real name. I know who you really are. I open my world to everyone with my real name and real face. Give the same courtesy.

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