Archive for April, 2014

Worst days

Do you ever think about what the worst days of your life are? For the sake of consistency and mental clarity, we’ll go with worst days of your adult life… I should really say that the worst day was the day Alex died, but was it? That day is a blur and I can honestly say, after finding him, I no longer was mentally able to grasp the concept of what happened. I couldn’t feel anything.. I couldn’t understand anything. So let’s just say that the days and weeks surrounding it were the overall worst. Next…. Today was one. I watched one of the closest people in the world to me, say goodbye to her mother. I have no idea what this feels like. I know that watching her heartache and agony was so incredibly… Well… Awful. I wanted so badly to take her pain away.. But I can’t. I can only hold her hand (and hair back) and say that this does suck, and it’s not fair, but you will survive. It was a long day. I left at 5 am (2 hour drive) to spend the morning with her, go to the service and dinner, and hold her hand through the emotional experience of “when it becomes real.” Now I may not have lost a parent, but I certainly understand “when it becomes real.” I have vivid memories of watching another close friend say goodbye to her father. I knew that that was one of the worst moments of my life… Just watching the sheer agony on her face. I knew I would face that again today.
Three women… Friends for many years.. And we now have all held each others hands through such experiences. I can think of so many things that best friends are for… This may be the worst thing to experience with a best friend… But it may be the most important.
Next comes the man who lost his wife. The situations are certainly different and I cannot say I know how he feels. But I know the path… I know how hard tomorrow will be when he wakes up and everything is over… Everyone is gone… And his new life begins. I don’t wish that upon anyone. In talking to him, his tear filled eyes looked at me as someone who has done this before (which felt so strange.)The only advice I could offer is “one day at a time, one step each day.” There really is nothing I can say or do to take away this man’s pain. I’ve spent the past week thinking about “where was I the next day… The third day… Etc.”
Today was emotional as any funeral is, and I was thankful to be given the important task of babysitter. I got to focus on this child (about the same age as mine) and what HIS needs were.. And (attempt to) ignore that the sheer idea of what was going on around me brought back horrible memories. Though, as people had asked, I did relive some things today, but it was not about me and I certainly was not going to let it be.
I spent every minute with her that I could and had to get back to being a mom. I was so drained and migraine ridden… I couldn’t wait for the day to be over. I am so thankful to the people who made it possible for me to “escape” and take care of a friend. It meant the world to me that I knew she was safe and happy and I could leave her, worry free. Yet, I missed her and couldn’t wait to see that smile. I have an amazing man who did whatever he could to make today easier on me. I will never be able to put into words how grateful I am.
Still, I know that Alex was there with me, helping our friend in her time of need.

A cat?

I have previously touched on the idea of spirit contact before. I do believe spirits can walk among us and that they can take any form they wish. A dear friend of ours lost her mother to a long illness yesterday. She mentioned this morning that a cat had previously shown up in the yard on a day that her mother was rushed to the hospital. She sent me a photo and said it was watching her. I didn’t really think anything of it. Today, when she said the cat had returned yesterday, I knew it must be a spirit. Both of us wondered, who would take the form of a cat? At that moment… One of my cats meowed and I just knew. It was Alex! Even looking at the photo, I just somehow KNOW. It’s him…. He’s there with her still today in her time of need. Alex held a very special bond with cats and I know if he could choose anything that would scream to us that it’s him, it would be a cat. I’m relieved to know that he is there with her as I am there in thought, but not in person.

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Easter #2

Another second holiday has passed. And it was good… I’ve written before how life moves forward. I usually work on Easter and last year basically avoided the whole holiday. This year, I went back to making eggs, Easter bread, and cookies. We were unsuccessful getting Alexa to sit with the Easter bunny, but she still got all dressed up and tried. I had a small Easter at my house, and had a first holiday experience with my “new guy” and his family. Alexa was excited about her Easter basket even though she can’t totally understand yet. I visited Alex this week and brought him some Easter flowers. I still think he probably thinks it is stupid to waste money on flowers, but I do it anyway. This holiday was happy, and I wasn’t just trying to make it through. I’m not saying “I did it” this time… I’m saying it was a good weekend. Amazing how things change. My little girl is growing up fast, and I will always be disappointed she doesn’t have her father to experience all of this with her, but I know he is watching her from the other side. She has so many people that love her and though no one will ever replace him, I am happy to see her build a bond with someone else in my life. As I have always said, we are truly a package deal.
Last year I wrote how saddened I was watching my dad take apart the Swingset I purchased for her. That was something I felt Alex should have been a part of. Spring is here and over the past few weekends, we have started to rebuild it in my yard. Ok “we” should be “they” as I don’t really do any of the work. I’m thankful that I have my dad, my cousin and my boyfriend ready and willing to do this for her.
I’ve also written in the past about a song that says “we’re not broken just bent and can learn to love again.” I wrote that I was pretty sure I was broken. Though at the time, it certainly felt like it, I had different thoughts when I heard the song again. I really can love again. Things are very different now and everything feels different. I feel bad saying I’m happy again, but I am. It feels good to not just be existing anymore. However, I still miss him every day and I always will… Maybe just in a different way now.

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Thirty flirty and thriving…

“..Why the 30s are the best years of your life.” This is a quote from one of my favorite movies. I will get back to that…
One year ago yesterday, I turned 29. Alex was gone for a short 3 months and I was still in the dark. I worked that day but in the morning, I called my mom to say that I literally couldn’t move. It was my birthday and I was without him. The pain was unbearable and I just couldn’t pick myself up. I made it through the day and chalked it up to surviving another first. What was the last year of my twenties to bring?
This past year has brought about a lot of firsts, a lot of changes, and both pain and happiness. And I made it…
Yesterday, I celebrated with my amazing friends, awesome family and a wonderful boyfriend. It was truly a great day. Alex was surely there in spirit and in stories. I think he would be so proud of the woman I have become and happy to see my new life.
I’ve been thinking about this “thirties are the best year of your life,” and have been bothered thinking that life could ever be better after his death. What I can say is… I’m happy again and excited to see what this next year (and more) have to bring.
What does it feel like to be 30? Well today… My whole body hurts ;)

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I’ll never be normal

I’m learning that no matter how much time has passed and life has moved on, I will never be completely “ok.” I’ll never be normal again… I will never be the person I once was. Things in movies bother me every time. Almost every movie mentions or jokes about suicide. So many have guns in them. I’ve been doing very well just laughing it off. One of my major coping mechanisms is usually to make inappropriate jokes about the situation and it gets me through. Last night was different. The sight of someone getting shot in the head and laying there dead sent me into a panic. I jumped up, couldn’t breathe and felt like vomiting. I tried to calm down and ended bursting into tears…. Here’s the kicker… I sobbed about my husband on my boyfriend’s chest. Even typing that sounds strange. All I can really say is, that’s my life… And I’m thankful to be with someone so understanding.

The basement

As you are all probably well aware… Alex died in my basement and yes, I still live in that house. I don’t spend much time down there and not because I’m scared or anything but for the sheer fact that really it’s just become a mess of a catch all for anything I don’t have space for. I’ve been talking about cleaning it out for ages. Today, a Fios installation tech had to go in the basement to set up my new internet. Upon looking at the way Alex had the routers and everything set up, he exclaimed “holy shiiiii…” Later, I overheard him on the phone telling his boss that my basement set up looked like Microsoft. The genius in Alex made it horribly complicated to get new internet service as they couldn’t figure out how to bypass what he had done. I was getting frustrated fast. Meanwhile, looking around, I decided today was the day. I spent 4 hours cleaning and packing, going through stuff and throwing things away. I ran up and down the stairs with heavy items probably 100 times. I found bags and bags of garbage left down there from the last time he cleaned down there. I went through and threw out the most random things of his. I deflated the slip and slide from his birthday party. Laying on the floor deflating, I couldn’t help but notice I was laying right near the spot I found him in… And could even still see flakes of blood rolling around on the floor. I just laughed it off… I guess that’s where I’m at now. I obviously had to explain to the verizon technician who had installed everything downstairs and why I didn’t know how to change passwords etc. In talking about the setup.. He said “well he thought he was doing the right thing at the time.” Funny how close that comment hit home… He thought that about other things too. Alex was probably laughing from the other side… And I’m glad I FINALLY cleaned out the basement!

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