Archive for May, 2014

Happy birthday Alexa!

Well it certainly has been a crazy week. My little princess turned two! It is so interesting how I look at all of this now. So many people say to me “wow, time flies!” But does it? Yeah, part of me cannot believe that my little girl is two. She is not a baby anymore! However, looking back on everything we have been through since she has been born puts it into a whole different perspective. It feels like ages ago that Alex was alive. I really feel like it was a lifetime ago, and I haven’t seen him in forever. Seven months… she was seven months old when he passed away and now she is two! A completely different child! And a completely different life…

It was a big birthday party weekend. I rushed around doing a million things to get ready on Thursday. Friday, Alexa’s grandparents came to visit. This is always a rough experience for me as it is a huge reminder that he is gone. I always end up in tears discussing him, rehashing what happened, and looking at the people who raised him. I am so thankful that they want a relationship with their granddaughter, but it will always be a source of anxiety for me. Just as I can’t, they will never truly be able to understand what happened and I will never be able to give them the answers they deserve. I try, but I just don’t have them. I tried very hard to just enjoy my daughter’s birthday, but there was just so much pain surrounding it. I thought so much about the day she was born and the scary but incredible experience Alex and I shared that day. Next thing I knew, Friday was over and it was time to party!

It was an amazing day. Alexa and I had so much fun with friends and family. With the bouncy house, I got to act like a kid again and yet a parent at the same time. I am so thankful for everyone that came to celebrate her. She is loved by so many.

In the aftermath, I am sore and tired. Too much fun!! And cleaning and cooking and hosting lol. I cannot believe it is over! Before I know it I will be planning birthday number three.

I knew it may be hard. I knew some tears may be shed. And I knew there would be fun. It was overall a great experience. I know Alex was there in spirit and I feel great watching Alexa grow up in my new world. I’m doing the best that I can as a mom… That’s all I can ask for.

There is still one more May event to get through… Our anniversary. On Saturday, we would have been married 6 years. I know this may be difficult, but I am going into it hoping to just cherish the memories and move on with the day. No matter what happened, it was still one of the best days of my life.

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Spiritual but not religious

What happens when you die? Well clearly no one really knows for sure. Everyone has different beliefs and those beliefs build the foundation of our grief or even our peace with the loss. I try not to push too far when I discuss what my beliefs are though I have eluded to them in this blog before. I believe everyone has the right to their own opinion. What I believe works for me.
So here are some thoughts. I routinely refer to the process after death as “crossing over.” I do not make the determination between heaven or hell, or anything in between. To me, this means crossing over to the spirit world. I have mentioned before that I believe spirits walk among us. I believe they can visit as they wish and can take any form necessary to spark our interest. I believe spirits do not cross over right away and can linger until the time is right.
When it came to Alex, I used to feel he was always with me. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was there. Just a feeling I guess. When I needed proof, and asked, he would provide it. Though I never actually saw or heard him. I believe that spirits are able to come through in dreams and I can clearly tell the difference between a dream, and a visit. I only have recollection of one dream which was “real.” I believe, given the circumstances, Alex was unable to cross over until I was okay on my own. I am now… And I believe he has left. This is not to say he cannot check in as needed and visit Alexa, but I no longer need him constantly. As far as I am concerned, he is always welcome to visit her and I hope he does often.
I have been asked before why I don’t write about God. I do believe in a God, yes… However I don’t believe that God has protected me or saved me or got me through this. I did the work. I grieved and WORKED through this. And if “he” is protecting me, why didn’t he protect Alex? He was a good person…and he was sick. But.. What’s meant to be will be and although he chose to end his life prematurely, I still believe that somehow it must have been his time. I know that it is out of my control, and I may never fully understand why or the depth behind everything that happened. The same goes for someone who died of “natural” causes. We will never truly know why it was their time.
I do not have a formal religion and do not feel I need one. Nothing against those that do… Again… What works for you… When it comes to Alexa, Alex was wholeheartedly against raising her with a formal religion and I will continue to raise her with that agreement. Furthermore, I will not raise her in any religion that will teach her that her father went to hell for a mistake he made. Again, I believe Alex was a good man and I do not think a God would turn his back on him, as many religions teach.
Though not a formal religion, I am a minister of the Universal Life Church. What does this mean? Well basically I went online and got ordained to have the ability to perform weddings. I am excited to be marrying my first couple next month. Just as exciting is the idea that this organization promotes equality of all religions and beliefs. We all have a right to what we believe in and to not be judged for it. Everyone is different… No better no worse and should all be respected.
And really… Do we need someone to tell us to help others, be a good person, and have appropriate morals? I don’t think so…

Mother’s Day

So here we are. Another “second” holiday come and gone. I can honestly say that this was my first good Mother’s Day. Last year I was still just “messed up.” Things were still so hard and so miserable. I wanted so badly to enjoy my first Mother’s Day, but I really couldn’t. I was so upset that I did not have Alex to share it with, and really nothing else could matter to me. My daughter does not have a father to help her with a “gift” for me. I debated buying myself something. I didn’t… Understand that I am not looking at this in a materialistic sense, however some small recognition is always nice. Though it is the best thing that ever happened to me, being a mom is tough, and being a single mom is tougher. Two years ago, I was very pregnant and spent the night in the hospital after having a random seizure. This is not how I wished to spend the holiday either. When it came to multiple years prior, I was struggling with infertility and this holiday was a day to remind me of what I was not… a mom. Mother’s Day always seemed to be a “dark” day for me.
This year was happy. I am mentally in a different place and am able to enjoy life (most of the time.) It was a quiet day spent with family (and involved a lot of food.) I was excited to spend time with my little girl (and paint her nails for the first time!) I got a very sweet gift, of which I was not expecting. Nothing major, but wow, major thought put into it and it made me very happy.
As I mentioned earlier, May brings a lot of very happy events, that can bring some significant saddness with them. Mother’s Day turned out very well… I have a lot of hope for Alexa’s birthday being great and I am sure, somehow, I will get through our Wedding anniversary again. Maybe it won’t be so bad…

The things that May brings

I’ve posted before how some days are just covered in reminders… Out of nowhere a day (that seems rather normal) just screams Alex everywhere. Seeing a car like his still stops me mid sentence, though now, it does make me smile. Songs still can have a very positive or negative effect on me. Yesterday was one of those days… I started to wonder, was he trying to tell me something? What was the significance of that day? It didn’t get me down, but it did have my mind wandering. Thanks to my new “time hop app” I realized that 6 years ago yesterday was my bachelorette party. Was that it? I’ll never know for sure, but was my subconscious thinking about it? Based on that fact, I thought about our wedding anniversary coming up. How is that supposed to feel now? Just another day? Will it be sad? I don’t really know. I’m starting to wonder how I should handle that day. I’m guessing it would be a good day for a distraction. Make it a happy day, and don’t sit home. I guess all I can say is… We’ll see. Alexa’s birthday is coming soon. Though it was hard to get through it last year, I’m confident this year will be better. It hurts to look back on where she was when he died, and the child she is now. He has missed so much of her life. But still, I’m so proud of her and will never be able to put into words how amazing it is to be a mom, even with everything we have been through in her short life.
Here are some “time hop” photos from my bachelorette party and Alexa’s two year photos.

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