Archive for July, 2014

How to save a life

I keep hearing this song…. Brings back such haunting memories.

Step one, you say, We need to talk
He walks, you say, Sit down, it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all, you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed

He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Happy birthday mow

Birthday week was rough. Alex would have turned 31 on the 6th. Fourth of July weekend was always about celebrating his birthday. My how things have changed. I really don’t have much to say except I did the best I could. Last year I made it huge and celebrated him. This year I hid from it and tried to have a normal day/weekend/week. The day passed and I did ok. I shed a few tears but nothing major. The days after I was in a funk. I can’t describe it other than I was mad, I missed him, and now feel guilty when I do. Life has changed so much and I’m so lucky to have found happiness again… But it doesn’t just make it go away. In some ways, it makes it more complicated. It feels weird to love someone here and miss someone on the other side at the same time. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it all comes down to the fact that it is two totally separate things. This week, I thought over and over again how my daughter said “happy birthday daddy” to a grave. This haunts me. Were getting closer each day to a time when she will understand. It freaks me out to say the least.
I got through a few crappy, cranky days and I’m doing better. I’m looking forward to a great weekend.

Happy birthday to my angel on the other side <3 20140712-090052.jpg

Mental illness or not?

It should not be surprising that I am a member of many facebook groups related to widowhood, young widowhood, suicide survivors etc. A post caught my eye today as I was scrolling through my newsfeed. A woman was stating that she was leaving a suicide support group because she was tired of defending that her son was NOT mentally ill. She attributes his suicide to a medication he was taking and finds it insulting that people would say he was mentally ill. Clearly, I do not find it insulting to use the term “mentally ill” as I use it regularly. Statistics state that 90% of suicides are as a result of mental illness. Am I certain that Alex was within the 90%? No, probably not…
A while back I tried to convince myself that his suicide was caused by something else. I found many supplements / herbal products in his items. I knew he was taking “vitamins” but did not really know what. One of the ingredients had been linked to some suicides, I found after extensive research. Can I be certain that this was the cause? No.. I cannot. Would it make a difference if this was the cause?
I had been told by people in his life that before we had met, Alex was “suspected” bipolar. I have previously written how now, in hindsight, it would make a lot of sense. He fit the description and symptoms to a tee. If this were his diagnosis, it would certainly explain may other things in our life. But again, can I be certain that this is what was the cause? Nope… still can’t.
A few years before his death, Alex was convinced he had a head injury. He kept describing that “something was wrong with him.” Our family doctor stated he had depression.. he denied it and it was never mentioned again. Can I ascertain that the cause was depression? Beyond a reasonable doubt…. no.
My point… Does it really matter? If I knew the exact cause, would it change anything? No.. he would still be gone.
Suicide survivors join to support each other. We have all been affected by a similar tragedy. We all understand the negative stigma associated with suicide and do not want to see our loved ones thought of in that manner. To me, the term “mental illness” is not negative. People do not choose to be mentally ill as much as they do not choose to be ill in any other way. It is a disease… just like any other. It saddens me to hear someone find it offensive. It doesn’t make you any less of a smart, good person.
I’m starting to wonder if it is time for me to move on from these groups. It helped so much in the beginning, now I feel it brings me down. So many people feel they are defined by their loss. Though it is a big part of who I am, it is not everything.

The summer of George

(Please note the Seinfeld reference)
This is the summer of Heather and Alexa. Ok so I do have a job and responsibilities and I’m not single, but still… Last summer I just existed. I went through the motions and attempted to seemingly have fun. We went to the beach once or twice and swam a few times, but just like the rest of the months last year, I wished them away. This year is different. I swore that I learned to enjoy every moment and live life to the fullest. I said that I truly understood that life is short. And I do… And I will follow through. I’m taking every opportunity to enjoy this summer (and I’m tanner than I have been in 10 years!) I’m having fun, enjoying life and and enjoying every day with my little girl. I’m loving watching every new experience. I’ve never been to the beach so many times in a short period. Even growing up in NJ… It’s more fun now. So many moms tell me how tough it is to take a child to the beach… So much stuff to bring and not so relaxing. Well I think they are wrong. It is much more fun with a child! So what if my house isn’t perfectly clean and (even through there was none last week) the clean laundry is piling up again. We are enjoying the sun and having great new experiences together.
I previously wrote about creating a bucket list. Last weekend I got to cross something off. I performed my first wedding ceremony. I was so excited to be a part of this and think it went great. This was the second wedding I attended since losing Alex and I think I did really well. The only sadness I can speak of was watching the slideshow seeing the bride and groom with their daughter. The “daddy/daughter” photos started to get to me. I shed a few tears but still appreciated what it meant to them. It was a great day and I’m so honored to have been a part of it.

I know I’ve been slacking on writing and all and all… I’ve just been busy with my normal life, plus enjoying the crap out of the summer!

20140701-082626.jpg

20140701-082635.jpg

20140701-082640.jpg

20140701-082650.jpg

20140701-082700.jpg

20140701-082713.jpg

20140701-082722.jpg

20140701-082731.jpg

20140701-082741.jpg

20140701-082802.jpg

Error. Page cannot be displayed. Please contact your service provider for more details. (26)