Archive for November, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving to all of my readers. I really do have a lot to be thankful for this year and I hope you all do too. Today, I hosted a Thanksgiving breakfast and then went to work. It’s somewhat sad to miss out on the traditional family dinner, but I work it every year and it really doesn’t bother me anymore. We eat, spend time with co-workers we love, and save animals. What’s not to like? The day is over and I’m so happy to have gotten home in time to put my little girl to bed. Now I’m alone, exhausted, eating eggs and drinking coffee haha!
I attempted to start listing each day what I was thankful for but I’m a slacker and did not follow through. The majority of people probably have similar things on their list, but I’m going to go for it anyway!
1. I am unbelievably thankful for my amazing daughter. She makes me smile and laugh every day. It’s not an easy job, but it is the best job in the world.
2. My friends and family. So many of you have been there with me, through my worst days and my best days, holding me up and cheering me on. I wouldn’t be where I am without you.
3. My “other half.” I never really liked the word “boyfriend.” I don’t know why.. But other half is starting to sound cool. I know, I’m weird. Starting a new life has been tough and I come with a lot of baggage… I’m so thankful to have someone who wants to unpack that baggage with me.. Hahaha cheesy I know… But I heard that phrase somewhere and liked it. I’m thankful for everyone in his life that has accepted Alexa and me. I am thankful for the relationship I am building with his child and the one he is building with mine.
4. My jobs. I am thankful not only for the fact that they pay my bills, but that I enjoy them. Ok not every minute of the day, but I am doing multiple things that I love.
5. I am thankful for the progress that I’ve made. I may be a work in progress, but I have overcome something I never imagined I would have to.
6. I will always be thankful for the time I had with Alex. Life is so different now, but no matter what happened in the end, I’m thankful for the rest of it.
7. Life is never perfect, but I’m thankful for all that I have.
8. I am so thankful for coffee and the fact that Dunkin was open today.
9. My crazy pets… Need I say more?
10. I am thankful to be alive
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there and my angel on the other side.

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Baby it’s cold outside

I have always been open about the fact that since Alex’s death, I have gone on and off antidepressants for various reasons. I recently stopped my second one due to unwanted side effects…. Weight gain among other (more annoying) things. I knew it was helping, and I was doing very well, however I couldn’t stand the side effects enough to continue it. I have now been noticing my mood changing… I have also been told in the past that I have seasonal affective disorder. Basically the winter blues. I know this, and I’ve written in the past that I don’t really know if it is the cold, the darkness or exactly what… But I am certainly down in the winter. This is compounded by the fact that again, we are coming up on the holidays and my “sadiversary.” Again, this time two years ago, I was unknowingly leading up to the end of my life with Alex. I feel it already… I’m cranky.. Things that bother me shouldn’t. I’m tired. I started to become indifferent to things about Alex that bothered me…
More tolerant I guess. These things were stressing me out again.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have a happy life and a lot to be thankful for but something is dragging me down.
I hadn’t been to counseling in a while and realized that maybe that was a good idea, and it was time for a discussion with my doctor about changing to yet another medication. It was nice to go to therapy and discuss everything that has gone on over the past few months. My friends call my life a soap opera though, at this point, I find it rather “normal” and simple. I plan to go regularly again and have made another appointment for next month.
My doctor was open to changing my medication. He is happy to keep tweaking what we have to to get it right. He thinks that is the best thing for me.
I started reading the insert that came in the package… (Am I the only one who does this?) and I noticed a few things. Clearly it is for depression… But especially for seasonal affective disorder… Ooh nice. It has helped people quit smoking… And man I’m a big fat failure in that department… It is not known to cause weight gain and can even cause weight loss… Cool!
And then came the point of this blog post…
“Tell your doctor if you or a family member has a history of bipolar disorder or suicidal thoughts or attempts.”
Alexa is going to have to “check that box” for the rest of her life. Like a scarlet letter… she will forever be overshadowed as having mental illness / suicide genetically stamped on her from father. I’m not saying that to be disrespectful of him. He was a wonderful man and that is just ONE small part of his story. But she has to live with that forever… That will always be hard for me.

8 years

I had been thinking about Alex a lot yesterday. I’m not sure why… And I’m not really sure what I was thinking. It’s common for me to be thinking “wow how did life get here.” I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way or a good way… Just a general thought. I didn’t really think anything of it. A friend told me last night that she had been thinking of him a lot that day, and couldn’t really place why. Her young daughter was asking about him suddenly too. She mentioned that she remembered him and remembered her holding him but was starting to forget his face. I can’t really explain how that made me feel… Happy yet sad at the same time in a way…. He loved her and I’m happy that she has a good memory of him. She asks the same questions I do… And I hate that I can’t answer them. I will never be able to fully explain to her why he did what he did. I pondered it last night… What was the significance of today that made us all thinking of him. I couldn’t come up with anything and just forgot about it… Tonight I checked my timehop app and it all became clear…

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That’s what I posted 1 year ago today… We considered our anniversary to be 11/5. I didn’t even think of it! Tomorrow we would have been together 8 years… And yes, the person I was visiting was the one who was thinking of him too… Guess he was trying to get in our heads. So far, I’m not crying this year… I’m doing okay. I’m thankful for the time I had with him, but feeling a little weird with the realization.

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