Here we are. It’s December again and people are wondering and asking how I am doing with it all. I know the dreaded date is coming and I’m worried how I will handle it this year. I’m not going on vacation this year but still plan on hiding away from my house for a few days. I am working on NYE and worry about it feeling too similar to that day. That’s what I did.. Got up, went to work, came home, and then it all happened.
Last year I made a special meal and honored him. This year, I’m tempted to use the phrase “I’m over it…” Not to say I’m over what happened but how many times do I put myself through the agony of a memorial? This year, I want it to just be New Years. I know that is not logical and it will never be “just New Years” but there is more happiness this year than the past two.
When it comes to Alex, I’ve been in the anger zone a lot lately and I don’t really feel like thinking about all of this. Mean? Maybe. But there comes a point when it’s old and annoying. I don’t want my life to revolve around this. I’ve rebuilt my life and I’m happy, yet I will forever have this major bump in the road, major mark on my soul and major dent in my sanity. I don’t want it, and I didn’t deserve it but it is what it is.
The time is coming closer and closer to having to do some explaining to Alexa. She is clearly confused about what a dad is and who her dad is and what a family consists of. How much does a 2 year old understand and how much do I fight her on knowing the truth? Truth is, I’m not so sure anymore. Alex will always be her father but he’s not the one raising her… I am.
Recently someone told me that they wished we could have Alex back for a day. This really got me thinking because, now, at this point in my life, I don’t want that. I have nothing left to say. And feel like my wounds are slowly healing, why would I want to open them again?
I’ve lived my life and raised my daughter without him for almost two years now. I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I’m starting to understand letting go of the past and moving forward…..