Archive for January, 2015

A good man

Alex did some really shitty stuff sometimes. He wasn’t perfect and made mistakes. He tried his best and sometimes failed. He hurt me in a way that I will never fully recover from…
However, he loved me with all that he had. He wanted me and wanted to be with me. He created a life with me with no doubts. He was thrilled to marry me. He reminded me that he loved me and looked forward to the time we spent together. He appreciated who I am and what I’ve done for him. He tried to give me everything I ever wanted, even when sometimes he couldn’t. I truly believe his suicide was an attempt to make MY life better.. He told me that himself….
I always felt that he was looking down cheering me on. I believed that he was going to work some magic from the other side and “fix” what he did. I accept that the choices I make (as well as others around me) are beyond his control, but I still ask that he lead me. Each day I wonder the meaning and reason behind things that have happened. I wish he could answer that for me.
I have never been good with the unknown… I want to fast forward life and see where it ends up, just to know everything will be okay. But I can’t… So for now… I have to relax and enjoy the ride.

Advice?

It’s interesting to me how over the last few days, so many people have come to me with their thoughts and praise. I’ve been repeatedly told how strong I am as I have heard many times before. I AM a strong person and I can make it on my own… That doesn’t mean I’m not hurting though.
I was told that I always give the best advice in these situations and now I need to take that advice… Hmm.. What advice do I have for myself right now? You can always see things more clearly when you’re on the outside… Well, life is unfair. Sometimes the people you love don’t love you back. You can put your all into something and be the best you can and it’s still not enough. You live and you learn. Someday, the pain will be replaced with happy memories. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and have some fun. You only live once so enjoy it. For a long time, I had myself convinced that I was crazy and just seeing things because of my past. I should trust my instincts (and not my heart.) All in all… Everything is okay in the end… If it’s not okay… It’s not the end.
I’m finding it very difficult to not blame Alex… If he weren’t gone, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I know this wasn’t my fault and it’s so hard not to place blame elsewhere.
Again I am so lucky to have my little girl. I’m not sure how much she understands, but she knows I’m upset. She’s the best thing I could ever ask for and even now tells me to “just keep swimming…”

How did I get here?

How did I get here? Here I am again, almost 31 years old and single… It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I got married somewhat young and that was supposed to be it. We had nothing and built a life together. I couldn’t imagine loving again after him yet I did. I thought I was so lucky to find someone who could deal with my past and wanted to start a new life with me. It turns out, through no fault of my own, love wasn’t enough and I’m left shattered and alone, again with no control over the situation. I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me and what have I done to deserve to be unhappy.
I’ve been through much worse and I survived…. I will be just fine. Though I lost another part of my heart and soul (two parts this time)and a year of my life wasted.

2 years and a new year

Some days I really think you are a piece of shit for doing this to me… Especially on a holiday. What a low blow dirty move! Ruin the life I had and every New Years to come, even after I’ve rebuilt my life. Yesterday was one of those days.
Then, of course, I come to my senses and realize all the stuff I’ve been fighting for. You made a mistake in a dark moment. You were sick and in pain and couldn’t see what you were doing to the people around you and blah blah blah.
I’ve been doing well and living life and am not a mess anymore, so somehow I convinced myself that yesterday would be the same. “I’ll be fine!” Well yes and no.
I purposely spent the night away from home as not to wake up in my house. I feared it would be too similar to that day. I got up and got ready for work and Alexa ready for daycare. I was fine…. Until I backed out of the driveway. Then.. I lost it. I cried and cried bringing Alexa into daycare and through the Dunkin drive thru. I don’t even really know why. I decided I should stop, take a break and calm myself with a smoke (I know not the healthiest choice but my choice nonetheless.) At that point, it became apparent that I had no lighter. I had somewhat calmed myself down and realized I still had some time, so I ran into the grocery store, grabbed a lighter, and got in the only line open. The woman in front of me had a decent amount of items but what was I to do? She then picks up another item and asks for the price, upon hearing the price, she decides she doesn’t want it. Ok so I’m waiting and waiting when the cashier realizes the price was wrong. She picks up the item again (a window candle) and finds that it really is on clearance. The woman gets excited and runs back for more. She’s digging and digging and counting and counting and announces “well I have 41 windows in my house!”
O..M…G! I ask if there’s another register open, nope. I ask if I can go to customer service… Nope. I ask if I can just have a pack of matches… Nope.
They slowly begin unpacking the box and one by one swiping and discounting them. I was so frustrated by this point that I burst into tears…
Yup… Really, I did.
Finally, they opened another register for me and after 14 minutes, I left with my lighter. Thankfully, that was the worst part of my day.
I got through the work day okay and had a pretty decent night overall…. I was asleep by 11pm
Each year gets a little better. I’m so thankful for all who were there for me, checked in on me, and distracted me.
Yet I’m shocked at those who seemed to have forgotten…
Happy New Year… I’m looking forward to what 2015 has to bring.