Archive for February, 2015

Nothing can touch me

So I’m feeling really good…

That being said… I put almost half of the weight I lost back on in the past year. I’ve always struggled with my weight but here I am determined again. I was feeling down, rejected and just bad about myself and needed to do something about it. I’m now already just a few pounds shy of back to my lowest and hope to push it further. I really really despise exercise but ya know what? When it’s all said and done, I feel great. I’m in a better mood and frame of mind. I have more energy and I’m less tired and I’m proud of myself. I always like feeling like I look good too … But what girl doesn’t?

I’m almost one month smoke free… Many of you know how much of a sore subject that is… I started smoking again the day Alex died and though I tried a few times over the past couple years, I never really put my all into it and made it happen. This time I’m doing it with no real incentive other than for myself. I’ve always known you can only quit when YOU want to and not for anyone else…. And I want to.

I have officially signed up to walk 18 miles overnight for suicide prevention. When this journey started, I could not even finish a 5K. It may take some time and effort but I know that I can and will do it! I will do it for Alex.
I have many failures in life (don’t we all?) but every one brings new knowledge… I’m still a strong, successful woman in so many ways.

I heard a song today that has always
been inspirational to me. I don’t really know why… I know that the true meaning of the song is different than my interpretation but I will end with:
“I am falling and if I let myself go I’m the only one to blame! I’m safe up high… Nothing can touch me!”

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Nurture or Nature

Something to ponder… The age old question of nurture/nature. Are we a product of breeding or a product of our environment?
For me, I was raised by parents who have been together since teenage years and still are together… They were raised by parents who were together since teenage years and are either still together or were until one passed away at an elderly age. To me, that’s normal. That’s what I grew up expecting life to be.
My marriage wasn’t perfect but really whose is? There is no such thing as a perfect person so how could there be a perfect couple? No matter what was happening, I thought love could conquer all and we would be fine. I don’t believe in giving up easily or for no real reason, once committed to someone. I knew what I was doing getting married and planned for it to be forever. The universe had other plans for me…
I’m not good at this. Dating makes no sense to me. I’m missing the “date around and flirt gene.” I only know commitment. Product of environment? Maybe….
What about Alexa? What is she growing up seeing? How is this going to affect her future? I never wanted my child to grow up without a father and even more I don’t want her growing up seeing different men in and out of my life. As much as I would like to think things don’t affect her yet, they do. Her father chose to die and the first man in our life, since him, chose to leave us too… How do I even begin to explain and repair that damage?
I want her to grow up knowing how strong her mommy is and how hard I work to give her everything she deserves. I can be a mom and a dad and everything she needs. But I don’t want her adult life to be like mine. Maybe it’s my environment… But just because we can live life alone, doesn’t mean we are meant to.

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