Archive for April, 2015

Really?

Even two years later, things come up that never cease to amaze me. Alex was obviously the computer guy in the house. That was his job, that’s what he knew. I know enough to get by but never really had to learn major stuff. If anything went wrong with my computer I would call for him to look at it (after restarting it first lol.) I do not know how to do a lot of admin things and do not know passwords to many things. When it comes to “our” Mac, I know how to use photoshop and that’s about it. We each had our own login, but I hardly ever use mine. Photoshop is on his login and it has stayed that way. Thankfully that is one password that I did know.
Today, I needed Photoshop and I needed a photo from my email. I logged into his account and opened my email. Somehow I never noticed the toolbars across the top where he had bookmarked pages. When it comes to “curiosity killed the cat,” I’m always the cat. I just can’t help it.
I clicked on “my sites.” I shouldn’t be surprised and at this point nothing should anger me anymore but it did! Really? This is all he cared about…

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Just…like….me

I can make excuses over and over for all the reasons why I have not written anything lately. It has never been a secret that I write mainly when I am hurting or upset and really need to get things off my chest. I’ve been doing very well lately. I am happy.. all on my own. (With Alexa of course.)

I have been insanely busy with all my many endeavors and raising my daughter and enjoying life. The nice weather is here and it always makes me feel better. I love being busy… I live for it. I take on more and more all the time and though it becomes stressful at times, I wouldn’t change it at all.

I wrote a lot in the beginning of this crazy journey. I was in a dark place and my blog was my therapy, my slight glimpse of hope and happiness for the future…. My sanity hung on by a thread, and the blog strengthened that thread. I think it is a good thing that I don’t need it as much anymore.

I have recently turned 31. Scary right? It is… I really had a great birthday but will admit depression followed for a few days. I don’t know why a stupid number had me so down, and I started to write about it, but realized I needed to suck it up and deal! I’m not going to get younger, no one does.. get over it. I can look at my life and say that I am not where I “planned” to be at my age, but ya know, so many of us aren’t. Just because life is not what I pictured, does not mean it is not a beautiful picture anyway. Besides all the leftover trauma and being alone (blah blah blah) life is pretty awesome.

So…. the real topic for tonight. My favorite show killed off one of my favorite characters making my other favorite character join the widow club. I, of course, cried… Like many Grey’s lovers probably did as well. But the one thing that really stood out to me was the realism. I find that in every show when a woman finds out her husband has died (this seems to happen a lot on tv) they fall into hysteria instantly. There is instant screaming and crying and over the top reactions. That makes sense when you imagine what it must be like… But as a woman who has experienced this, it’s not. I was calm, shocked, matter of fact and numb. Tears were impossible to produce, even if I tried…. It struck me tonight when Meredith acted exactly the same way. Now, I know she is not real… so someone did their homework when writing this episode. Seeing her this way hurt.. And I felt that she was real. I felt myself thinking about what the next few hours, days, weeks of her life would be like. I felt like my “friend” joined my world. In one moment, she lost her husband and the father of her children…Just…Like…Me.

I’m anxious to see what “life” has in store for her… So of course I’m looking forward to next Thursday’s episode. It may be too much. It may hurt to watch her walk a similar path to mine. And though she is not real, I hurt for her. Though it may dredge up old feelings, I won’t run away. I will watch and I will cry “with her.”

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