After almost 5 years in my house, it was time to move on…
Even now, staring at the screen, there are so many thoughts and emotions to go with this change that I don’t even know where to begin.
First, it’s exciting. I’m starting a new life with someone in a new home. Buying a house was truly a pain in the ass, but worth it. The house is beautiful and amazing and we so excited to be a “new family.”
But here are some thoughts about the old house… This was the last place Alex lived and the place he died. This is Alexa’s first home and first room. There are so many happy and awful memories here… It’s bittersweet to leave it all behind. (Even if only moving up the street lol.)
For my long term readers, you know what happened… You remember the shocking days after… Trying to put all the pieces together and finding out just how many guns he had. I never knew about them, yet found them hidden all over my house. I thought for years this was long behind me, but it happened again. One of the final things to move out of the house was “his” desk… And guess what? There was a gun hidden under the drawer. How did I never know that? I had a rush of anger and embarrassment in front of those helping me move. How many times had I used that desk? All I can say is WTF? Really??? This shit is still happening?! I… Just…. Can’t! I really thought that there was nothing I could be angry about at this point… But clearly I can.
Again, my long-term readers know my story and know that I don’t hide from it… The good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent… I put it all out there. Almost three years has passed and, until today, Alex’s “mess” remained. Part of me is ashamed that I didn’t take care of it previously, but it is what it is. In the beginning, I couldn’t bring myself to do it… A rug covered it and there it stayed, basically “forgotten about.” It’s gone now, and I sit here not really knowing how I feel about it… When it comes to suicide, loved ones are left to figuratively and literally clean up your mess… Think about that… Really let that sink in. I would like to think that cleaning up his “literal” mess is the end of cleaning up any other messes related to this dent in my life.
For so long I kept saying that my life was not what I wanted and not what I chose… I chose the life I have now.. I can finally say that… And it’s exactly what I want.