Archive for January, 2018

Her daddy

Alexa has been more and more interested about learning about her dad. Early on in the journey, I packed up a bin labeled “Alex.” At this point, I wasn’t even really sure what I had put in there. We opened it this weekend. She was excited to see a special rubix cube, origami items he made and put all over her incubator in the hospital, his hat, a blanket made from his shirts, stuffed animals we had gotten each other… She went through and looked at everything. There were items from my wedding, old photos, his baby book… all kinds of random things. Many items, I was ready to allow Alexa to take and do whatever she wanted with them. Some, I still felt needed to be packed away again. I am at a place in life where I do not want my wedding photo displayed. I don’t want reminders of him all over the house. I will not, however, tell her she cannot have these items displayed in her room. That’s her territory and I believe she should be able to memorialize him however she wants there. She doesn’t remember him. But this is a way she can connect, and “know” him. It’s nice to see her happy and excited about it. These items don’t hold sadness or pain for her. She looks so cute in his hat…

 

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Gleeful Suicide?

 

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I received this message from someone close to me this evening. I didn’t know anything about it. I don’t even know his name. Here is my response…

“Didn’t know about it.”

“Without any details, I’m tempted to say that facing charges, jail time and all that, I can see why someone would do that. I could see that people will paint him as evil and say ‘problem solved’ or ‘he deserved it’ or whatever. Still, he has a family I’m sure. He has a mom. He has people that love him and I hurt for them.”

The weekend that changed my life!

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Ignite Your Inner Leader 

What does that mean?

Almost a year ago, I heard about a seminar called “Ignite Your Inner Leader.” Sounds like it’s about leadership, right? I could use that! I was in a leadership role in my direct sales company. I’m a mom (that’s a leader, right?) I have multiple “jobs” that could use improved leadership skills. Plus, I heard you get to walk on glass! That could be cool! I also heard someone proposed at the last one. This must really be the experience of a lifetime. I had always been labeled by others as “a leader” but what does that mean? I wanted to figure it out.

I had decided to do the next upcoming seminar! I felt as though I was unsure of my place in the world. I had been working my same job for the past 7 years, and though it was what I always planned on doing with my life, I wanted so much more. I had been in the direct sales world for the past 4ish years and while it was going well, it was not exactly where I wanted to be. I dabbled in other things as well, but nothing that was really a main focus. Really, I was all over the place. I was single when I made the decision to register . Sidenote: there was a huge lapse in my writing so those that do not know me personally, do not know the whole story. I’ll summarize it with saying, my relationship failed, my boyfriend left, and Alexa and I were living in “our house” and I was figuring out life on my own yet again. My home became a business. My direct sales companies had taken over rooms, time, life. I was dabbling in ways to improve myself and my life.

The goal was to figure out what I was doing with MY life. In the time between signing up for the seminar and the weekend finally arriving, life had already changed so much! Jewelry In Candles (the company I was known for) closed, and I was sent to a new company to start fresh. Lularoe had taken over so  much of my time and house and life that it had become a burden, not an excitement. After 6 months of separation, many ups and downs, and figuring things out, we made the decision to rebuild our relationship. Life was changing fast! I couldn’t wait to see what the seminar would bring.

It started with “why are you here?” 

“Learn more about why I do the things I do. What direction I’m supposed to take. I have many goals and dreams but don’t know what I really want. I have to many “jobs” but don’t know where the focus should be. I want to lead my team to success. I’ve made so many positive changes to my life and I want to continue. I want to inspire people. I want to use my trauma to make a difference. I want to make his life worth something. I want to learn to help balance motherhood with my career and relationship.”

I got that, and so much more!

Yes, I learned about leadership. More importantly, I learned so much about myself, my patterns, what I really wanted out of life, what was important to me in a fulfilling career, what I wanted out of my relationship. I learned how to communicate more effectively with my child and my partner. I figured out exactly what I wanted out of life and how to get there. I learned invaluable coaching skills. I appreciated things in life more. I literally had no idea I was holding onto past trauma from Alex and putting it on my daughter. I could write an entire post about just that revelation. I quickly, with the help of amazing people there, figured out how to work past that. I discovered things from my marriage that were affecting my relationship. I discovered things I was not understanding about “my ideal” versus reality. I learned how to understand my significant other better, even with having significantly different life experiences and communication styles. And yes, I walked on glass, and bent rebar with my throat!

I made more progress in life in 3 days, than in years. I’m forever grateful for the experience.

Did you know that all human behavior is driven by six human needs? Did you know that all behaviors are driven by the avoidance of pain and the desire of pleasure? I didn’t…

Have you ever thought to yourself “am I enough?” Sure you have.

It’s happening again soon… what’s stopping you from living the life you dreamed of? Do It. Click here. 

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A sign? See if you can explain this one…

Way back when, I wrote a post about the ambulance situation from the night Alex died. I called 911, EMS arrived, he was pronounced, ambulance took me to the ER for my blood pressure. There was a mess when it came to the bill. His insurance was billed for the ambulance, as was mine. It was all sorted out years ago..

Today, mail arrived from Delmarva Emergency Services, addressed to me, at my old address. I no longer have mail forwarding, however since I live right around the corner, the post office has been gracious enough to “manually” forward it, since they know who it is.

It was a check for $16, with the date of service listed as 12/31/12, the night he died… 5 years later, I’m getting 16 bucks back? I have no explanation.

It seems very odd to me that it came on a day that I’ve spent working on the book and blog? A sign? Maybe… but a sign of what?

At first glance, I thought the Refund number was his DOB. I saw 7/6/84… He was born in 83, I’m 84. Haha.

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DOVER — On New Year’s Eve five years ago, Heather Cruz’s husband, Alexander, killed himself. He was 29 years old. Ms. Cruz didn’t see it coming. “I knew my husband as well as anyone knows their spouse — I had no idea,” she said. “I couldn’t have ever imagined he would do it. You can …

via Dover woman fights through grief of husband's suicide – Delaware State News.

Welcome

I’ve dreaded this moment for 5 years

I’ve dreaded this moment for 5 years… the moment my daughter wanted to know the truth about her dad. I’ve never lied, but always left it at “his brain was sick.” Today, I made the choice to answer all of her questions and explain everything to the best of my ability. She asked very intelligent questions. She processed and rationalized the information. She was proud that we are doing what we can to raise awareness and help others. She worked through it, and is already back to singing and dancing around the house. That wasn’t so bad. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders and another huge step in the grief process is behind me.

My Why

With recent news of a popular you-tuber being accused of trying to profit from suicide, I felt the need to discuss a few things. First, I do not know what was in his mind at the time. I cannot judge what his actual reasoning was behind posting such a video. I believe he is human and quite possibly had a major lapse in judgement. I know he did post about suicide prevention. Whether that was from guilt, trying to look better in the situation, or to actually make a difference, I truly don’t know. I do know that I believe it was in poor taste to post something of that nature. He is wildly known and loved by a very young community. I don’t feel this was something appropriate for his target audience. For the man whom was deceased, he too, is human. He probably had a family. He may have made a mistake in a dark moment. He may have been mentally ill. He certainly was not thinking of the people in his life seeing him that way on the internet.

Now, one can say I’m doing the same thing. I’m putting my husbands and my life out there publicly for everyone to see. I am selling a book. Here’s the difference, I know my intentions are good. I know I’m not trying to win a popularity contest. I know I’m not trying to “get rich” off someone’s life and death. I’m honoring my husband for the man he was in life, not how he died. I’m fighting to end the stigma surrounding suicide. I’m working to save someone else from the pain I endured. I’m setting out to be the voice for those who no longer have one. I’m hoping for my story to help someone else get through their trauma. I’m sharing my story to be real, and honest about how this affects people’s lives. Yes, I am asking for donations toward the project. Publishing this book is expensive and if I were rolling in extra money, I wouldn’t bat an eye at spending the money for the greater good. Reality is, I don’t have the extra money hanging around. So I’m asking for help, to get my story out there, for me, for you, for Alex, and anyone else it could positively impact. My goal is to break even, and if all my hard work ends up helping my daughter and I become more financially secure, so be it. I’d love to be “famous” for making a difference in the world. I’d love to be a woman who makes the people around her proud. I’d love to live a life inspiring others. I’m not looking for traditional “fame and fortune.”

This all started with an outlet for me to help with the grieving process and became so much more. I now know how many are affected by suicide, young widowhood, trauma etc. I want to make a difference. This is my purpose.

2018

2018 is going to be amazing!

I’ve struggled a bit over the past few days with the “dreaded sad-iversary” approaching. I know making it 5 years doesn’t really change anything. I’m the same person living the same life I was yesterday. I know I want to remember the happy times and celebrate his life, not mourn his death. I know depression doesn’t solve anything. I know anxiety doesn’t get me anywhere. I know I want to enjoy life and not let the past interfere. Still, my mind plays tricks on me, and at times I let it. I was certainly on edge the past few days. I know my life is beautiful, even though not exactly what I pictured. I know that all things come in time and I’m doing great! Still, I let some of my “expectations of life” bother me. The feelings came, I recognized them, and did my best to let them pass. I was determined to enjoy New Years. And I did! I was surrounded by loved ones, in my pajamas, laughing, playing, and enjoying the evening for what it was.

Again, I will say… 2018 is going to be amazing! My book will be published. I’ll have a greater impact to help others. I’m equipped with all the tools I need to work toward the exact life I want. My daughter is growing and thriving. I have an amazing relationship. I have a roof over my head. I have friends and family surrounding me. I’m sure there will be difficult moments. I know it will have ups and downs. And, I know I’m prepared.

I hope you all had a wonderful New Years Eve and are ready to take on another year, growing and changing for the best we can be!

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